Monday, September 12, 2016

And away we go

As my therapist said today, I need to give med changes a chance...and, O2 is really important so I should work on my breathing as much as I can. All of this was on a morning of great anxiety.

I woke up to Jarvis and let Shawn sleep. These last 6 months or so, Shawn has been letting me sleep. Since that is one, of many things, I feel guilty about with regard to Shawn's caregiving role, I just did it. Jarvis and I went for a walk and I did a stint on the treadmill before waking Shawn up.

After a shower, I sat down with all the anxiety inducing thoughts that were building up since getting out of bed.

These jeans don't fit right. I can't start shopping for a bigger size. I need to fit in the clothes I have. I really shouldn't have all this weight on me. I'm getting close to the heaviest I've ever been. I really should vacuum. How would Jarvis act if I use the carpet powder crap to freshen things up? Will he try to lick it up? UGH. All this different shit needs to be moved out of the way to vacuum. I don't feel like doing all of that. Laundry needs to be put away and laundry needs to be done. Who wants to do that shit? It's such a chore. OMG. Dinner needs to be made. If I get tonight's made, that doesn't help me with tomorrow. I hate being responsible for coming up with dinner. God, I have all this pressure in making a choice for someone else and hoping he is okay with it. What if it's a terrible? Sometimes, even after I've made the decision and I've cooked it, I don't want to eat what I make. How do I keep from making the same few things over and over? How do I come up with new things when I don't want to be responsible for this? Cooking at home needs to be a priority to save us money. It should also be helping our health. I should be doing more about both of our weight. What if something happens to Shawn? I can't even begin to think about what I would do. I'm so dependent on him. OMG. He needs to get healthier. That cough is lingering. He needs to go back to the doctor. What kind of work am I going to even try to get when the time comes? How do I get myself employable? We have to travel to CLE for the Comic Convention in March. We are both going to be so uncomfortable on the plane. Why did Jarvis jump at and scratch the neighbor kid? He's always let the kid pet him. How do I not have anxiety regarding Jarvis now? It was such an upsetting experience. I'm glad the kid's mom was so understanding and kind, but I still have an awkward feeling contributing to my anxiety. Donald Trump is actually a candidate for President. This makes me nauseous. I honestly don't know how to handle this. What if he actually wins? Seriously, how is this real life? How is this mess of anxiety going to begin to be addressed in a psych hour? When will I be through all of this shit? Are the med changes going to finally work? At what point do we actually consider a lobotomy? I wish I was kidding, but, since I am going through ECT, which I thought was far fetched, I'm not sure it's such a joke anymore. I've talked about wanting to do inpatient ECT, again, not kidding as much as I would like. Here's why I like ECT, a day of ECT is a day lost. I don't have time in my head.


  1. hate hate hate med changes! Hope it works out and hang in there and so on.

  2. A way for others to see the speeding train of crap that flows through, unstoppable, choking your ability to function.

    Good share, and hopefully looking back at it helps you contain it, manage it, understand it, and most of all, FIGHT it.