Thursday, August 13, 2015

This ride may get bumpy

After more months than it should have taken, I got around to seeing a new psychiatrist (actually a psychiatric nurse practitioner). My first appointment was this week and lasted about an hour and a half. Shawn was with me, which was so great. I still had pretty intense anxiety about this new start, but Shawn's presence certainly helped.

This doctor wants Shawn there for the first few appointments. She thinks it's important to gain insights from his observations of me (poor guy). I also thought this was a really good idea. I've actually thought about it before, with other doctors. Also, a lot of it can be overwhelming and I'm a slow processor, so he can help me with all of that.

Looking at the history of my meds and results of an brief activity she had Shawn and me do, she suspects that I may have been being treated for the wrong condition all this time. Her suspicion is that I'm not dealing with chronic depression that SSRIs will successfully help. So, now the tapering begins. I'll be weaning off Paxil for the next few weeks.

What happens after that? Right now, the plan is working in lithium. Why lithium? Well, it's a classic. It's had some staying power. But, also because she thinks that I'm really a rider on the bipolar-coaster.

Bipolar depression. There it is. I'm still processing this whole thing. Obviously, she can't say this with absolute certainty after the one appointment, but that's kind of how the whole thing works; a lot of trial and error with medications. At first, I didn't think her suspicions of bipolar depression was something that bothered me. I have to admit, though, that it is weirding me out a bit. The stigma around various mental health issues is something that has bothered me. But, I guess that was easier for me when I thought I was just simply "depressed." So ridiculous, I know. Obviously, I have my own taboo issues about some of the other mental illness diagnoses that reflect the presence of that stigma within myself.

Big bonus points to this psychiatrist for having an adorable, 11-month old, Black Mouth Cur puppy. It's really nice to just see her and pet her (the puppy, not the doctor, just to be clear).


Friday, August 7, 2015

We did it our way

Thinking about our anniversary, my wish for couples who are planning weddings is to do it your way. You and your partner chose each other and you are the ones who should chose how that decision should be demonstrated to others.

You make the guest list and understand that feelings will be hurt; resentments will be felt, and, down the road, you may look back and think some changes should have been made. You can't invite everyone (unless you have the most amazing budget ever), so lines have to be drawn. You two get to draw those lines.

Each and every step of the way is for you TWO to decide. Yes, the two of you. It should never be only about one of you. If one of you doesn't have strong preferences, you should still be in the loop. Compromises may have to be made, but if you can't make them regarding the day of your wedding, you may have trouble with the ones required by the actual marriage.

Make your wedding authentically yours. That is what you want your memories to be and compliments about it being "so you guys" and "awesome" and "one of the best" will let you know you succeeded.