Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Why, oh, why?

Well, it was back in April that I started ECT. Now, the ECT journey is only one day a week, typically. It's a Monday thing. With this change comes the change of medications. The hopes are that ECT will have rebooted my brain to accept medications better. I'm not feeling it.

Last week, I quit my job. I've been away from it during all of my ECT treatments since April. Shawn is all for me quitting. It wasn't a huge career for me. It didn't bring in loads of money.

Here is where the worst of what is wrong with me pours all around. I don't know what to do with myself; where am I supposed to go from here? Anxiety has taken hold and it isn't letting up its grasp. What kind of job am I really meant to find? Where do I go for a place to earn an income that will have flexibility? What will happen with Jarvis if I'm working full-time?

So many things I used to do are no longer on my list of things to do. I have coloring books and a coloring page-a-day calendar that I was really active with, but now, I hardly touch them. Walking Jarvis on a really long journey was also on my list of things to do. Now, taking him on walks backfires to too much time in my head. That time in my head is a real downer. I get really sad about not having any idea who I am, what I am meant to do.

Why should I continue to be?

Wednesday, June 8, 2016


Things are not going well. We've played around with bi-lateral and uni-lateral ECT. We've introduced Ketamine. I can't handle all of the magic-less bullets. Today, I had an appointment with my psychiatric nurse practitioner to review meds. We haven't been meeting during my acute ECT rounds because meds can interfere. Now, we are going to put meds back in and see how things go. I NEED things to improve.

I really need this to work....work well enough that side effects don't make me feel worse somehow.