Tuesday, July 23, 2019

And so...

I woke up around 2:30 this morning. It was all about the puking. It's been a good month or two since my last go 'round with my asshole stomach.

Today is the 5th anniversary of my hysterectomy. I had this thought that my stomach was trying to remind me of the whole disaster which was all my reproductive parts. Well, all except one of my ovaries. Anyway, I don't know that I really believe in something like that, but it did cross my mind.

How has it been 5 years? Each year I want it to get easier and I'm not sure that it does. Maybe it's a little more difficult this year because my remaining ovary is kind of a bitch lately. I've been thinking about having it taken out. Taking it out means instant menopause. Do I want that? I don't know.

On to another year.

Friday, June 28, 2019


I'm pretty sure I've already touched on this subject, but here we go again. Another woman coming forward to tell her story of sexual assault years after it happened. Questioning why a victim waits to tell their story should be over by now. It's like how the same questions and statements are made after a mass shooting. We need to move beyond these questions each and every time and start to really acknowledge the problem and try to change it.

The latest story in the media is another victim of the President. E. Jean Carroll has come forward several years after her assault to tell her story. Of course the President does his typical denials and slings insults. He attacks her looks as an excuse, claiming she isn't his type. Assault isn't necessarily about attraction, it's about power, and we certainly know how much power tripping he's got going on.

Victims come forward in their own time. They have several reasons for coming in that time. Even if the President wasn't in the Oval Office, his life holds wealth, power, and fame. He had a way of using those thing before being President and of course took them with him into office.

Victims come forward in their own time. Some need time to work through the shame they felt as a result of the assault. Or, the perp was an upstanding member of society who the victim was afraid to name. Maybe they took a payoff and/or signed an NDA and later decided that was the wrong way to go. No matter what, it is always #InHerOwnTime.

Wednesday, June 12, 2019

Taking America's Pulse

It was three years ago that the mass shooting took place at the LGBTQ nightclub Pulse in Orlando, FL. I'm sure I was aware of it at the time, but because of my well documented memory loss in 2016, I learned about it later.

I don't understand hating someone for loving someone else. I can't imagine not being able to be out in public with Shawn and show some sign of affection. Why not love and let love?

We had far to go in this country when it comes to homophobia, transphobia, and all the other ignorant bigotry before Pulse happened. Now, because MAGA hat wearers and other hate groups have taken a rise, I would feel less safe as a member of the LGBTQ community than ever before. This administration has emboldened so many that by taking America's pulse at this time, you can certainly feel the fear of another Pulse.

Saturday, May 11, 2019

Here I go again.

I've been binge watching Six Feet Under. I watched it years ago. I'm on the final season and it's been tough. Ruth Fisher (Frances Conroy) is married to George Sibley (James Cromwell). George is struggling with psychotic depression (not what I have, to be clear). His treatment is ECT, which, we all know, is something I am very familiar with.

The way the show's style is, there are scenes that turn out to be in someone's head. You have this moment of thinking, "Is this scene for real?" So Ruth is on her own taking care of George. They are at the kitchen table and she absolutely looses her shit! She goes on about having to be his caretaker and not having help and all of the resentments that she holds tight and the rage she feels.

Where I went for my treatments, they had a social worker who would focus on being a support for the caretakers of the patients. Shawn was seeing that social worker which I didn't know, or maybe I did know but didn't remember. I mean it was ECT.

As I watched Ruth have the meltdown in her head, I thought of Shawn. I thought of what must have been, what must be in Shawn's head when it comes to me. I wondered about his sessions with the social worker. I wonder what feelings he swallows

There's another character who takes lithium and seroquel, two of my five drugs. He decides to stop. I wonder what that would be like.

Thursday, March 21, 2019

A most gentle man

Today I found out that Dr. Frank Guerra, one of the heads of the practice where I had my ECT, had died. He was the anesthesiologist. He had cancer. It seems it was too far gone when they found it.

I've written a lot about my ECT experience. It was a significant part of my life, so I will continue to write about it whenever I see fit. 

One of the strange things about my memory loss is what wasn't lost. I remember the office; the waiting room; the staff; the pre-treatment questions; getting in my gown; lying on the gurney; and being wheeled into treatment room. With all of this, I remember moments with Dr. Guerra. Some days, the nurses would have a hard time getting a vein for my IV. They would leave it for Dr. Guerra to do when I went in. He was so gentle and got it done easily. My favorite memory of interacting with him was a day when I were late to our appointment. Being late can turn into a huge trigger of my anxiety. So, I was all keyed up about it. When I got into the treatment room and he was on my right side as per usual, he brought his observation of my stress. He asked me what was going on that had me so anxious. I explained that we were late. He asked me something like, "Did you make it? Are you here?" and I said, "Yes" and he told me that that was all that mattered. He then had me relaxed and put under. He's bedside manner was sweet and kind.

My hope, that in his memory, those he taught and mentored learned one very important thing, a tender and kind bedside manner. 

Thursday, March 14, 2019

Choosing battles

I have these things about social media. One is that I really need to keep myself from reading the comments. Another is that when I read a post from a "friend" I have to make a choice to comment or not to comment. Am I going to change their mind? Is it going to turn into a pissing contest? Lately, I have realized it may be best to "unfriend" and "unfollow". I've always felt weird about doing that.

Tonight, I chose to "unfriend" and "unfollow". I just didn't think commenting was going to make much difference. However, I do feel like I'm a wimp who isn't standing up for something I feel strongly about.

This "friend" posted a link to an article about the first non-binary person coming out and admitting it was a sham. The "friend" said that you had to believe this person's story even if you didn't support the source site/publication. He then went on to bring up Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb from the movie The Silence of the Lambs. He pointed out that "Buffalo Bill" was denied gender reassignment surgery because he was mentally unstable. This was so unbelievably offensive to me. As if "Buffalo Bill" should be the standard to which we hold transgenderism. He said that he wasn't going to argue transgenderism but psychological treatment must be exhausted before any harmful chemicals or surgical procedures be considered.

I started to comment. I started to say that psychological/psychiatric treatment is a part of the process. You have to be cleared for medical procedures. I wanted to school him. I wanted to be an ALLY for my friends. I wimped out, though. I went the simple route of clicking "unfriend" and "unfollow". For this, my trans friends and my friends with Trans friends and family members, I wish I would have done better by you.

Friday, March 8, 2019

A Smooth Criminal

I saw a bunch of social media buzz about HBO's Documentary Leaving Neverland. It's about 2 boys, now grown men who have come out with their stories about sexual abuse at the hands of Michael Jackson. I made the mistake, as often happens, of reading the comments. Some of the posts really bothered me so I felt it was a good idea to view the film. And, the comments still bother me.

Late 2017 the #MeToo movement started to erupt. People were feeling free to share their stories. Some stories were shared for those who no longer had their voice. I started to recognize that time doesn't matter. I know someone who was a victim of a sexual assault and went through some major shit trying to recover and reclaim her life. She never reported it. In these last 20-30 years, she has kept his name from being reported. I would never tell her it’s too late. No matter how soon or how far off someone comes to the point of telling their story, it is their truth on their timeline.

An now, to talk about Michael Jackson. I fully believe him to be a sexual abuser. I believe that there are times the abused becomes the abuser and really feel that is what happened here. The pedophile is a groomer and if anyone had the capacity to groom a child it would be the wealthy man-child himself. He seduced the whole family of the guys in the documentary. He was slick, some might say "smooth", and he was protected.

What really sets me off about the comment feeds on all the different social media posts. The idol worship, godlike image with which people paint him is like a level of blindness.

It bothers me that #MeToo was started as a kind of women's movement that took a little time to acknowledge the victimization of males. Out came Anthony Rapp with accusations against Kevin Spacey. Spacey is facing a felony sexual assault charge. This shows the movement knows no boundaries.

If you supported Anita Hill by saying that the time it took her should not be an issue because she had her truth to address; if you say that Dr. Christine Blasey-Ford came out when it was right for her because the truth about Kavanaugh needed to be heard; if you defend any female celebrity or otherwise for finding the strength to speak-out on her terms, her time when she felt safe, her time to be an example to all the other victims becoming survivors, you cannot tell other victims they have a curfew.

I know people who supported the women or women like them that I mentioned above. Those same people don't believe Michael Jackson's accusers and even said it is because they waited too long to report. Fine, don't believe them, support Michael Jackson, but don't use a timeline as your reasoning unless you will recant support of Hill and Blasey-Ford and countless other victims who followed their own timelines.

And, finally, some of you know damn well that if your son or daughter, your brother or sister, your best friend came to you in 10, 15, 20 years with their truth to tell, you will DAMN well support them.