I disagree with agreeing to disagree

I’m tired. I’m tired of so many things. The one thing that has really gotten to me the last 8 years or so is being told that differing opinions don’t mean we can no longer be friends and it is childish to think it does.

We are not talking about simple differences in opinions. We are talking about ideologies that impact actual human lives. These are things that are classifying some as lesser. The thinking that rights should be taken away because they shouldn’t have been granted in the first place is not simply an opinion.

Saying that Teddy’s Guncle shouldn’t have a legally, valid marriage to her wife with all the benefits that entails is not the same as saying that Coke is better than Pepsi (even though Coke really is better). Actively working to have it invalidated is not an agree-to-disagree situation for her or those of us who support her.

I had breast reduction surgery because I could longer deal with the physical issues having extremely large breasts caused. But, there was an internal aspect, too. I couldn’t live how I wanted, be who I wanted. This was fine. No one protested my right to the procedure. I wasn't told that God made me to have huge boobs and I need to live with 

Somehow, people see trans and non-binary persons as going through a phase; freaks; mentally ill; whatever other things they come up with to minimize their reality. Gender affirming care is necessary. If Conner’s step-sibling has top surgery so they are free to feel their authentic self, who did they hurt? They aren’t pushing an agenda that everyone should be breastless and should be non-binary. There is a sense of peace and pride that shows in their pictures now.

Folks who go crazy about pretty much anyone in the "alphabet [used in a derogatory way]" community, claim pretty much any one part of the LGBTA+ community is living unnatural lifestyles. I'm not painting with a broad brush here, but many of the folks with this thinking tend to be Trump supporters. Speaking of painting, these people need to look to their orange leader and recognize that he is being unnatural. Also, the amount of plastic surgeries and fillers and botox in his posse, are also not natural. So, they can have procedures that are not natural to make themselves feel better about themselves, I guess. But, the people who want to be their authentic selves, should not even think about having procedures done.

I want Teddy to have the rights to gender affirming care, if that is were his life path leads. Thinking he should not have those rights is not a little difference of opinion in our family. If you can't accept Teddy's authentic self and feel his rights should be stripped from him, then that's not a vibe our family wants to have around.

Then there is the desire for Gilead. Women around the country are having their bodily autonomy limited bit by bit, state by state. I'm almost 50 and do not have a uterus, so I know I won't be wearing red. But, we aren't Christian, so I'm not entirely sure where Shawn and I will fit. Conner, will end-up in red and I'm not sure where Teddy will go.

In all seriousness, the extreme ideas about women's rights are insane. Vance thinks childless women are a lesser class, yet is anti-IVF according to his voting record and things he has said. So, if you are childless, but don't want to be, then you're screwed. And, stepparenting does not count toward having a child. 

Women are dying because procedures are being made illegal that previously were life saving for an expectant woman. Some laws are so confusing that medical providers aren't even sure what they can and cannot do without risk of criminal charges. Carrying a dead baby to term seems cruel, not to mention dangerous.Touting something about "post-birth abortions" to make people think people are deciding they don't want to be a parent after having gone through an entire pregnancy is beyond ridiculous. The very idea of women being put at risk of death because of an ideology claiming to be "pro-life" is contrary to how my mind works. Women being allowed a chance to live shouldn't be minimized as one's opinion rather than a human right. 

I can agree to split a pizza with you on which your half has anchovies and my half has ham and pineapple. You can wash it down with a Pepsi while I drink my ice cold, Coca-Cola. But, if the conversation turns toward calling for the removal of rights for women, minorities, and LGBTQ+ individuals, I'm going to have to pay my half of the bill and walk away.

This didn't really come out right

I don't know what has happened to me when it comes time to blog. There is plenty going on in my head - too much, really.

My current state is extra hot mess. I am physically and mentally all over the place. So many things are breaking me down. 

Recently, my dad's death has been hitting me hard. It's been harder than it was in the beginning months. It's just this weird feeling that it's not real. I think about it and wonder what will make it seem real? Will it be the first time I go to Cleveland since his death? Will it be seeing his grave in person?

The world and all it's changes get me to stay in bed. COVID, Texas laws, Afghanistan are all more than I can think about right now. I get choked up over the news. 

Work has me stressed out. There are changes that I don't know how to handle. My anxiety at the idea of certain tasks is manifesting itself physically. I'm not cut out for certain things. I'm not a people person.

I should be able to get my shit together. I used to accomplish things with less anxiety issues. Now, I tend to isolate and it's not because of COVID. Nausea is a constant and diarrhea is regular (so far no vomiting). Headaches and muscle aches are common. I'm quite tired. It's all part of the mess.

I have an appointment coming up with my shrink. I'm not all that optimistic right now. There are probably going to be med changes and that is a whole other thing I don't look forward to.

I'm just so tired.    

In a World

You know when you see a movie trailer and it starts with, "In a World" being said in a dramatic voice?  It's not usually the kind of thing said before a rom-com. So, if 2020 was to be a movie trailer, it would most certainly start with "In a World."

In a world where a president fails his country by not addressing the heads up on a virus, over 180,000 people have died.   

In a world where a president contradicts all the safety precautions to help lower the spread of the virus, six million cases have been reported.

In a world where a president "doesn't see" a report that Russia was paying bounties to the Taliban to kill American troops, American troops were killed.

In a world where a president says there were good people on both sides of an alt-right rally, the floodgates of racism burst open.

In a world where cops and racist civilians are killing POC, Black Lives Matter.

In a world of all these things, stress, anxiety, and depression can really take over. It seems hopeless.

But, in a world where a stepdaughter is pregnant, a baby boy will be born, and hope and love will rise.

TSK...The Black kids have the worst lunches

I've been watching interviews of Cori Bush lately. She's a nurse, single mother, ordained pastor and community activist. She just won the Democratic party's primary for US Congress in Missouri's 1st District. It's a huge win. 

Her interviews point out aspects of poverty. She talks about her own experiences with poverty. This is the topic of her platform. She talks about the cycle of poverty and how it is so difficult break from it. At one point she talked about food insecurity. As I listened, I thought of an experience from my college days.

One summer when I was in college, I worked for a summer day camp. No big deal, nothing fancy. It was part of the city's recreation department's summer programming. I like to think the director was ignorant, but I think she may actually have been racist. 

Some days we went next door to the city's pool. As the kids would get ready, I would help them with sunscreen. This included the African-American kids. In a snippy way, she asked me why I was doing that? I told her the kids still need protection from the sun. They can get sunburn, it may just take longer, but it can still happen.

Then, there was the time she made a snide comment about the differences in the lunches the African-American kids brought and the lunches the white kids brought. She thought it was terrible how unhealthy the African-American kids' lunches were. Therefore, the parenting wasn't as good. She needed to hear about how finances make a difference in groceries. The best options for healthy food cost more. Sugary "juice" drinks are cheaper than real juice. Produce is more expensive than chips. It's unfortunate, but is the reality some people live with. This food issue can lead to poor health, which is just another part of the cycle of poverty Cori Bush has as her campaign platform. 

#BLM

 

Can’t we all just wear a mask?

I was speaking with someone of the belief that masks don't really do anything and should not be forced upon anyone. The "you do what makes you comfortable and I'll do what makes me comfortable" point of view. There seemed to be the idea that mask wearers were mean toward those choosing not to wear them. They were being picked on by those in masks. I pointed out that it wasn't like the reverse wasn't the case. Right in front of her people were calling mask wearers "assholes" and "sheeple" and whatever else. 

I decided to point out what I see is the importance of wearing a mask. There was an attempt to explain that wearing a mask isn't for your own benefit but for the benefit of others. I said that I wear a mask because my 83-year-old dad who has diabetes and end stage liver failure would die if he was in contact with COVID-19. This wasn't a situation of he could, he would. The response was that she wouldn't be around my 83-year-old dad. I'm not around him, either. He's in Cleveland. This was meant to make a point and I guess I made too much of an assumption about that point being understood.

So, here's the deal. I wear a mask because I have many family and friends who fit into one or more of the risk areas for contracting COVID. They are people with COPD. Some with diabetes. I mentioned end stage liver failure already. There some who are obese (yes, myself included). Someone I know is pregnant and she is in a state that is way out of control with the number of cases and deaths. I know people with asthma. There are people in my life who have an autoimmune disease, such as Sjogren's Syndrome, for example. I know someone with Crohn's Disease who had a proctocolectomy and an ileostomy and now lives with on ostomy bag. I know someone who came through having COVID, but now her lung capacity is not what it was. She now has a difficult time doing the singing she had so enjoyed. 

I don't wear a mask literally for the people I've mentioned. They live all over the place. I'm not in close physical contact with all of them. I wear the mask because those people have health issues that are found in other people all around me. I'm sure the person I talked about in the beginning has people like these in her life. 

I wear a mask; Shawn wears a mask; other people we know wear masks. We all wear them to protect others from ourselves. Why is it so difficult to reciprocate?

Just wear the mask. Wear it without needing a government mandate. I wear mine for you. Can't you wear one for me?....or, if you don't like me, wear it for someone else who needs you to, someone you love.

My independent study is in session and my white ass is in attendance

I know a lot. I did well in school. What do I know the most? That I don’t know a lot. 

With all that has been happening for countless years to People of Color is, for me, something I only know the tip of the iceberg about. For me to know, for me to understand, the onus is on me to learn. I need to read. I need to watch. I need to listen. 

POC have been teaching me for years. Not holding a class and teaching me as their student in a classroom. They have given me every opportunity to read, watch, and listen and it’s up to me to take note. It’s up to me to join their journey, not as a leader, but as a follower as I continue to learn and then side-by-side, perhaps. Moving always while watching and listening. 

Listening is an important word. I use it instead of hearing. Hearing is passive. I can hear things without having to pay attention. When you listen, you are active; you are parsing the words being said. That is important. I can hear “Black Lives Matter” and it’s just three words, three sounds. When I listen to “Black Lives Matter”, I start to think about what that means. And, when I move from listening to learning, I come to understand what is meant by the phrase. Also, I learn just how many don’t understand. 

I’ve also learned that being “color blind” is not what many POC want to be told. When someone says they are “color blind” or “don’t see color,” it can be an attempt at trying to say we are equal; you are just like me. Well, the way of the world right now shows we are not equal, that’s the problem. And, even if we were living under circumstances showing us to be equal, we are not the same. I want my white, freckled skin to be seen just as I want my black freckled friend’s skin to be seen. The array of colors we have all evolved into should be celebrated, not supposedly unseen. 

Through my struggles, I can breathe. There's the difference.

It's been my experience that people who have a hard day or are struggling for some reason will tell me that they know it is nothing like what I live with regularly. Comparing struggles, I guess I would call it, is something I've touched on before. I try to tell them that my struggles don't minimize theirs, that struggles are relative. I try to really believe that. I have to admit, though, that there are times when I think, "IT'S A FUCKING HANGNAIL!" 

Lately, my struggles have been real. There's been major anxiety with physical manifestations. A lot of tears of both sadness and anger. Then some pretty high moments, for a little while, only to crash. So, I'm struggling and having a hard time listening to some people with theirs.

And then...I'm pretty sure events of the world are putting me in my place and saying, "You think you're struggling, well, hold my beer."

I turn on the TV, I go on social media and I'm overwhelmed. I see:

George Floyd.

Breonna Taylor.

Ahmaud Aubery. 

And so on.

And so on.

And so on.

Hate crimes toward all people of color.

Throughout the history of this country.

No boundaries are set where anxiety goes

Things have been all over the place, still, since my last post. Lots of crying, some anger. Down and down with little up.

The other day I was so upset with dealing with passwords I bounced between tears and anger. I actually threw my phone. This, no matter what I'm feeling, has never been a thing. I can't think of a time when I've thrown something in anger.

Today, serious emotional hot messiness. I cried about going to the bank. This is something I do every week (going to the bank, not the crying about it). There is a branch that is more practical for me to go to than the one I already use. It is so dumb to cry over, but it was really stressing me out. Shawn was telling me just to keep going where I go. That it isn't so far that going to the other matters so much. It isn't worth the anxiety. He's right, but I want to be a grown-up. I want to not have these feelings of panic and stress over something that any normal person does everyday.

I've also been dealing with anxiety over things much larger than my small bubble of life. In my white, middle-aged woman life, I can go out with very little worries about my safety. It gets to be too much when I see vile treatment toward minorities. I feel like I should watch the videos. That I should see what happened because what happened was too much to be ignored. But, I also know the limits of my emotional and mental tolerance...

I woke up to the Christian Cooper/Amy Cooper video. The WHITE woman was in the wrong. The BLACK man felt the need to record the incident. This woman is a terrible person. She knew the power she has over a black man. The way she made the call and the escalation and exaggeration in that call should make all people angry. As a white woman, I need to look at this woman's behavior so as not to be complacent, to never let it happen in front of me. In this story, Christian Cooper is the very lucky survivor of what could possibly have been much worse. 

There are the other racist actions...much worse results, but the racism is still racism. The names people should know are Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and George Floyd. Racism buried them and many more. So many names should be listed here. These are the most recent in the news cycle that I get my news from. I can't imagine a life in which I have to fear the things that killed each of these people. My heart goes out to all of those who have lost people to the overwhelming evil that is racism.

Shawn wrote a great reflection on racism that I wanted to share:

"The word "racist" has done a lot of harm to white people.

No, not because it's hurtful or inaccurate or undeserved. It's harmed us because it lets us off the hook.

Most white people think of "racist" as a binary. Either you are one or you're not. That makes it really easy for us to form a very clear picture of what a racist is -- a Klan member, a Nazi, someone who uses racial slurs, etc. -- and proudly proclaim that we are not that. Who, me? I can't be a racist; I never use the "n" word!

Having absolved ourselves, we dust our hands and feel good about being so woke. There's no need for self reflection, no need for personal growth. We aren't that bad thing, so let's think about something more pleasant.

The problem is, no one is 100% free of racial biases (or gender, sexuality, class, or any other kind of bias). Biases are hammered into us from the day we're born by our friends and family, pop culture, religion, politicians, society itself. We spend our whole lives marinating in a soup of biases, some fairly benign, some decidedly not. So how could we avoid picking some of them up?

It's not enough to simply be "not racist". We have to do more; we have to dig deeper. We have to examine our biases honestly and work to educate ourselves. Because what is bias but applied ignorance? The only way to unlearn a bad lesson is to learn a good one. And there are plenty of good lessons out there, for those who are willing to learn.

Am I a racist? I try not to be, but it's a work in progress."

So, my anxiety knows no boundaries. Personal to worldwide issues, I will always find stressors. I'll have to figure some things out, but as Shawn says, "...it's a work in progress."

Just wear it

There are so many things going on right now. Things that are divisive. A different view on the handling of matters related to COVID. I have changed the way I do my job. My therapist and I have appointments over the phone. It seems like forever ago that we had an in office visit and who knows when we'll go back to them. I don't mind these things if they are going to keep Shawn, me and others safe.

Our life has changed in other ways. We were kind of homebodies before all of this, me more so than Shawn. It is kind of funny to me that being someone who stays home a lot was different when it was my choice, but when it had become a government order, I was a little annoyed. With all of this, we go out in public the least amount necessary and when we're out, it is for the shortest time needed to get things done. We wear our masks. Do I find them comfortable? No. But, I wear a mask to protect others from the chance I am infected. I wish those who don't wear them had the same consideration for us. 

Mourning the dead in the age of COVID

The other day I had a terrible night of very little sleep, dry heaving, and overall anxiety. I asked Shawn to drive me to the office so I could get mail and other work to bring home. We drove by a cemetery. It had COVID testing signs. I couldn't help but think it seemed so morbid, but at the same time I understood how convenient it really is as far as the long stretches of road.

When we made our way back, there were groups of people on the sidewalk along the fence outside the cemetery. I thought that perhaps they were there for testing. I thought that would be odd as far as distancing and the tendency to have people drive through to get tested.

As we got closer, I could see a tent with a casket ready to be lowered into the grave. There were six people seated in chairs well spaced apart. There was a minister of some sort standing at the casket. Then, we made the connection that all of the people were there for the graveside service. All of these people with no way to celebrate the life and mourn the loss with a gathering of family and friends other than at a distance, along a fence.

On this topic, my dad's cousin lost his sister-in-law the other day. His wife had to deal with not being able to hold a traditional funeral. She worked with her minister to do a tele-service. A conference call, basically. That has to be so difficult.

Even as a person who practices no religion, who is an atheist, I can acknowledge mourning the dead in some form or another. Celebrating a life and mourning a death is simply a part of our lives as human beings. Hopefully, soon, life will get back to a place in which people can honor the dead in they way they find best.

Connect the dots

This is going to start off a little weird, like not 100% fitting to the post as a whole.

When I was little, like early elementary school, I was pretty familiar with funerals. My dad's aunts and uncles had started to die. I remember his grandmother dying. She lived in a nursing home a good drive away. She had broken her hip and then developed pneumonia. So, I came to associate breaking a hip with dying. I didn't really understand the pneumonia part, but in my mind, the two were connected.

As I grew up, I discovered that a broken hip doesn't cause pneumonia. I started to understand the connection of the broken hip to pneumonia was only that being bed ridden caused fluid to build up. Being as old as my great-grandmother was, all of these things created the perfect storm for her to be unable to combat the pneumonia.

Pneumonia.

Come the late 80s. The AIDs epidemic was making its way through the world. Our little corner of the world was not safe. My dad's cousin was infected, full blown AIDs, not HIV. Then, that word, pneumonia, crept into our vocabulary again. When he passed away, AIDs, itself, was not listed as the cause of death. I learned that his death was from pneumonia. There was no broken hip involved in this case. There was AIDs and the suppression of his immune system. So, it was death by pneumonia due to the immunosuppression from AIDs.

COVID-19

Here we are, 2020 and a pandemic. I know pneumonia has played a part in this. I have a friend who was infected and ended up with pneumonia. She has recovered, thankfully. But, is it really surprising to have pneumonia rear it's ugly face?

I'm going to stop with the pneumonia talk, but not with the cause and effect piece of how health conditions can connect.

Governor Cuomo of New York recently adjusted the number of COVID related deaths causing an increase to the statistics. And.......then comes 45 and his COVID briefing. He gets in his expert over all the things mode and criticizes Cuomo. He implied it was an attempt to make things look worse than they are. Well Dr. 45, MD, shut the fuck up. A patient with COVID can have other health problems arise. So, yes, it is possible to have a fatal heart attack due to COVID. Let real doctors, not lackeys, but real doctors who are fighting along with all other types of medical personnel to educate the masses.

We live in the WTF-iest of times.

PANDEMIC. A board game. A very difficult board game involving viruses; infections; outbreaks; and epidemics. It can make you hate the colors red, yellow, blue, and black. We most definitely lost more games than we won. We failed the world...on a game board. At least for now, it was only on a game board.

COVID-19 has hit the world and hit it hard. It is horrifying. Watching the impact on Italy has been absolutely devastating. Then to see the U.S. in the line of fire from this virus has become heartbreaking. Part of the heartbreak comes from the person in the White House doing the absolute opposite of instilling confidence.

It is crazy the varying degrees of this. I have a friend who was infected. She was on oxygen, but didn't need to be hospitalized. She's on her road to recovery. Then, I have another friend who posted on Facebook a request for her mother-in-law who was diagnosed. The next day, she posted that her mother-in-law had died. Two extremes. That is how fucked up all of this is.

Things this has me thinking about are overwhelming at times. Like, my dad. He's 83 and not a healthy guy, see my posts back in August-October of last year. For him, there would not be a mild case. So I have the thoughts of him dying. I have those thoughts in general, but because of this, I think about it more. Things like, if he were to be infected and pass away, would I be able to travel. Probably not. It's likely that a funeral wouldn't be able to be held. I wouldn't be missing that. But, the idea of this happening and not being able to get to my mom is more than I can handle at times.

It's a strange time of heartbreaking and heartwarming moments existing along side of each other. Videos from medical personnel sharing the horror of their experiences just pains me to watch. The idea that you can drop your loved one at the hospital, not be able to go in with them, and then have them admitted, and possibly even die without you seeing them since the drop-off. Addicts relapsing and, if they do go for help, they, too, are alone. It's a terrible time for loneliness.

But, then there are the heartwarming things. People cheering and making signs outside of medical facilities. In NYC, every evening at 7 pm, the time for shift change at hospitals, New Yorkers cheer and clap and honk and make noise whatever other way they can to show appreciation. Watching the creative ways families and friends find to "be" with each other are great. Zoom probably never expected to have such a boon in business. Videos of families doing things like song and dance performances are blowing up on the internet. Various musicians are doing live mini-concerts on Facebook and/or Instagram Live. Necessity has been said to be the mother of invention many times before and I believe she is proving to be the mother of creativity.

So, stay home. Stay safe. Stay healthy. Save lives.

Simply ordinary

Last night, Shawn and I had our typical Tuesday movie night. As I sat in my reclining seat with my Coke Icee with Shawn at my side watching a movie (about Fox News nonetheless) I couldn’t help to think how lucky we were to be sitting in the theater. We were able to be a captive audience to the world of major motion pictures. Despite the disaster of diplomacy created by the pathetic and unstable 45 who is bringing us to war, we were safe from missile strikes. Our ordinary lives remained ordinary. We weren’t at risk of destruction of our home, loss of friends and family, our lives forever changed by the effects of climate change causing wild fires previously unimaginable.

Here we are today. Shawn, across the hall working in the home office; me, sitting on our bed prepping a deposit surrounded by paperwork from cat and dog adoptions; and, Jarvis at my feet. No smokey air from missiles outside. No smokey air from climate change created wild fires outside. Just birds chirping and cars passing with Jarvis’ occasional growl for our protection from the UPS guy.

We are so fortunate in our ordinariness.

#InHerOwnTime

I'm pretty sure I've already touched on this subject, but here we go again. Another woman coming forward to tell her story of sexual assault years after it happened. Questioning why a victim waits to tell their story should be over by now. It's like how the same questions and statements are made after a mass shooting. We need to move beyond these questions each and every time and start to really acknowledge the problem and try to change it.

The latest story in the media is another victim of the President. E. Jean Carroll has come forward several years after her assault to tell her story. Of course the President does his typical denials and slings insults. He attacks her looks as an excuse, claiming she isn't his type. Assault isn't necessarily about attraction, it's about power, and we certainly know how much power tripping he's got going on.

Victims come forward in their own time. They have several reasons for coming in that time. Even if the President wasn't in the Oval Office, his life holds wealth, power, and fame. He had a way of using those thing before being President and of course took them with him into office.

Victims come forward in their own time. Some need time to work through the shame they felt as a result of the assault. Or, the perp was an upstanding member of society who the victim was afraid to name. Maybe they took a payoff and/or signed an NDA and later decided that was the wrong way to go. No matter what, it is always #InHerOwnTime.

Taking America's Pulse

It was three years ago that the mass shooting took place at the LGBTQ nightclub Pulse in Orlando, FL. I'm sure I was aware of it at the time, but because of my well documented memory loss in 2016, I learned about it later.

I don't understand hating someone for loving someone else. I can't imagine not being able to be out in public with Shawn and show some sign of affection. Why not love and let love?

We had far to go in this country when it comes to homophobia, transphobia, and all the other ignorant bigotry before Pulse happened. Now, because MAGA hat wearers and other hate groups have taken a rise, I would feel less safe as a member of the LGBTQ community than ever before. This administration has emboldened so many that by taking America's pulse at this time, you can certainly feel the fear of another Pulse.

Choosing battles

I have these things about social media. One is that I really need to keep myself from reading the comments. Another is that when I read a post from a "friend" I have to make a choice to comment or not to comment. Am I going to change their mind? Is it going to turn into a pissing contest? Lately, I have realized it may be best to "unfriend" and "unfollow". I've always felt weird about doing that.

Tonight, I chose to "unfriend" and "unfollow". I just didn't think commenting was going to make much difference. However, I do feel like I'm a wimp who isn't standing up for something I feel strongly about.

This "friend" posted a link to an article about the first non-binary person coming out and admitting it was a sham. The "friend" said that you had to believe this person's story even if you didn't support the source site/publication. He then went on to bring up James "Buffalo Bill" Gumb from the movie The Silence of the Lambs. He pointed out that "Buffalo Bill" was denied gender reassignment surgery because he was mentally unstable. This was so unbelievably offensive to me. As if "Buffalo Bill" should be the standard to which we hold transgenderism. He said that he wasn't going to argue transgenderism but psychological treatment must be exhausted before any harmful chemicals or surgical procedures be considered.

I started to comment. I started to say that psychological/psychiatric treatment is a part of the process. You have to be cleared for medical procedures. I wanted to school him. I wanted to be an ALLY for my friends. I wimped out, though. I went the simple route of clicking "unfriend" and "unfollow". For this, my trans friends and my friends with trans friends and family members, I wish I would have done better by you.

A Smooth Criminal

I saw a bunch of social media buzz about HBO's Documentary Leaving Neverland. It's about 2 boys, now grown men who have come out with their stories about sexual abuse at the hands of Michael Jackson. I made the mistake, as often happens, of reading the comments. Some of the posts really bothered me so I felt it was a good idea to view the film. And, the comments still bother me.

Late 2017 the #MeToo movement started to erupt. People were feeling free to share their stories. Some stories were shared for those who no longer had their voice. I started to recognize that time doesn't matter. I know someone who was a victim of a sexual assault and went through some major shit trying to recover and reclaim her life. She never reported it. In these last 20-30 years, she has kept his name from being reported. I would never tell her it’s too late. No matter how soon or how far off someone comes to the point of telling their story, it is their truth on their timeline.

An now, to talk about Michael Jackson. I fully believe him to be a sexual abuser. I believe that there are times the abused becomes the abuser and really feel that is what happened here. The pedophile is a groomer and if anyone had the capacity to groom a child it would be the wealthy man-child himself. He seduced the whole family of the guys in the documentary. He was slick, some might say "smooth", and he was protected.

What really sets me off about the comment feeds on all the different social media posts. The idol worship, godlike image with which people paint him is like a level of blindness.

It bothers me that #MeToo was started as a kind of women's movement that took a little time to acknowledge the victimization of males. Out came Anthony Rapp with accusations against Kevin Spacey. Spacey is facing a felony sexual assault charge. This shows the movement knows no boundaries.

If you supported Anita Hill by saying that the time it took her should not be an issue because she had her truth to address; if you say that Dr. Christine Blasey-Ford came out when it was right for her because the truth about Kavanaugh needed to be heard; if you defend any female celebrity or otherwise for finding the strength to speak-out on her terms, her time when she felt safe, her time to be an example to all the other victims becoming survivors, you cannot tell other victims they have a curfew.

I know people who supported the women or women like them that I mentioned above. Those same people don't believe Michael Jackson's accusers and even said it is because they waited too long to report. Fine, don't believe them, support Michael Jackson, but don't use a timeline as your reasoning unless you will recant support of Hill and Blasey-Ford and countless other victims who followed their own timelines.

And, finally, some of you know damn well that if your son or daughter, your brother or sister, your best friend came to you in 10, 15, 20 years with their truth to tell, you will DAMN well support them.

Mother may I?

It's been over a month since my last post. I wasn't sure if I would continue, and, quite frankly, I'm still not sure. So, for what's worth, here's a new entry and maybe the last.

These days, as a liberal, I'm not sure what I'm allowed to watch, who I'm allowed to be entertained by. 

Last night, Shawn and I saw The Upside. It wasn't high on our list of movies to see; not really a type we go to, but it was $5 ticket night and it wasn't something really heady, so we went. I thought that maybe I wasn't supposed to see it because of stuff Kevin Hart said. All I really knew was that he said something about how he's not a gay ally or something along those lines. I thought that wasn't a huge deal. I mean, not being an ally doesn't mean you are terrible, does it? Isn't just about staying out of it? I did a check-in on Facebook about seeing the movie and a friend, who happens to be gay, made a comment saying, "Ew." I chickened out about responding because I thought he was probably calling me out about Kevin Hart. I looked into things more by googling Kevin Hart. He said some pretty shitty, homophobic things.

This kind of thing has me wondering what I should do about the entertainment choices I make. I honestly don't know. Can I watch things that a person made before I learned of the terrible things they have done? Can I watch The Usual Suspects in light of knowing that Kevin Spacey has been charged with felony sexual assault? Louis C.K. was a favorite of our family, but now I can't stand him and don't want to listen to his stand-up. When tweets are dredged up from the past by a conservative group even though the tweets had already been acknowledged and apologized for by James Gunn mean he should never been given a job again? 

When I was in high school, my older brother said he would never see a Whoopi Goldberg movie because she admitted to having had abortions. I told him that if that's the case, there are probably others whose movies he should not see. So, if I said that from a liberal point-of-view speaking to a conservative, should I say that same thing as a liberal to a confused liberal?

Life was easier when my parents told me what a could and could not watch. 

5 people, 1 room

It was almost 27 years ago. It was May. I remember it being May because my cousin's twin daughters were making their First Communion, which typically happens in May, and I was missing the party. I remember it being around Mother's Day. Can I give you an exact date? No. It's all just ballpark.

There was a school's boys lacrosse trip. The coach, the school chaplain, with whom I was quite close, were there. And, obviously the team. There was the only other girl and me, who were the bookkeepers. There was a bus ride. There was a hotel stay. There was drinking in one of the rooms. There were the shakes and nausea I feel from guilt, not from drinking. There was exhaustion from not sleeping. There was a bus ride home. There was a return to school. There was the chaplain coming up to me and asking me if I knew anything about things going on that may have included drinking. There was me telling him there was because I couldn't look him in the eye. There was him being surprised that I was actually involved. There was punishment from the school, mine doubled by the anger of the other kids. There was religion class with a game called Scruples being played. There was a kid asking me a made up question in the game of moral dilemmas about whether or not I would drink on a school trip. There were the really pissed girlfriends/dates of some of the guys involved because the guys couldn't go to prom. There was me telling my mom before the school could and dealing with that punishment --- the punishment of the silent treatment, which was far worse than the taking away of my license.

So what?

There's a story in that general list of things that happened. Actually, there are 5 stories. One-fifth of those stories is mine.

I'm going to go with the proverbial renaming of the other girl in this story as Jane. We'll go with Joe, Jack, and John for the guys. And me, I'll stay as I am. So, there's the 5, Jane, Joe, Jack, John, and me.

Jane and I shared a room at the hotel. We were the only females, so that was given. Joe, Jack, and John were sharing a room. People gathered in their room. They were a pretty big deal. Real jocks.

Out came the booze. There were the makings for a generic Screwdriver, a gallon of orange drink mixed with vodka. To continue to keep it a teenage drinking party was some MD 20/20 Banana Red. It may not be good, but it will get you drunk. I don't remember when the other guys left and if they were there for the drinking, but at some point the only people left were the 5 of us.

Joe passed out, which gave me a sense of relief. He was a really built and strong guy. Jack went and pissed in the sink, which is out in the open as is common in middle of the road kinds of hotels and motels. I didn't see his penis, but I was really starting to stress out. I really wanted to go back to our room, but I didn't want to leave Jane, who I knew wasn't going to come with me easily. So, I just laid down on the bed with the passed out Joe. The other bed had Jane, Jack, and John. They were under the bedspread. There was a lot of giggling on Jane's part and some laughing on Jack's and John's.

At some point, Jane and I returned to our room. I did not sleep. I was filled with guilt about being in that room and drinking. I just laid there shaking and nauseous. When it was time to go, I was a hot mess of exhaustion. The others didn't look bad at all. They were experienced with partying and late nights. Then you go back up to the above list with the bus ride home, etc.

Through the years, I have found myself wondering what went on with Jane, Jack, and John. Did my staying in the room protect her from something terrible happening? Did something terrible happen under the covers? Was she drunk to the point of not knowing what she was doing? 

As I hear about Kavanaugh and his cronies, I immediately think of Joe, Jack, and John. Then I think about Jane and other girls from high school and what may have happened to them.

It's not going away

In the early 1990s, I was a pretty conservative kid in some ways. In September of 1991, I was a junior in high school and 16-years-old. The SCOTUS confirmation hearings for Clarence Thomas were taking place and I gave no shits, as far as I recall. Then, in October of 1991, Anita Hill started to testify about being sexually harassed by him. That's when I started to pay attention in my young, naive, conservative way.

I called bullshit. How in the world was this woman coming forward after all that had been done? His confirmation was practically a done deal. This seemed so ridiculous to me. I thought that if things were that bad, she would have done something about it.

I was everything that disgusts me today.

I really should have known better. When I was a kid, I had experienced some sexual curiosity, I guess you could call it. This is nothing like assault. I wasn't a victim of something. It gave me horrible guilt and anxiety, in part because of who I was with. I'm leaving that out because they have the right to privacy, and, like I said, it wasn't an assault or anything like that. However, I carried it in the pit of my stomach for close to 20 years. I was afraid of getting in trouble and having people looking at me with disgust.

I did tell someone, finally. The very first psychiatrist/therapist I saw. I was 28-years-old revealing something from when I was about 12. He told me it was entirely normal behavior. He told me kids do that, they are curious, and they do it with whomever they are hanging around at the time. I had a sense of relief and told a couple other people, including my mom. Everyone's reaction was pretty much "that's it?" kind of vibe. I still have moments of feeling terrible, though, and try to work my way through by remembering the reactions of others.

What does this have to do with Anita Hill or #MeToo or Kavanaugh? I was not a victim. I was not abused. I was not assaulted. I was not harassed. Without all of those things being a part of my story, I was still afraid of revealing it to anyone for well over a decade. So, if I wasn't victimized and had no fear of the person I was with coming after me in some way, how can I possibly have the mindset of my 16-year-old-Anita-Hill-is-full-of-shit self? How can I expect women to report the crimes against them right away? How can I not #BelieveAllWomen #BelieveWoman #BelieveSurvivors?