This is 40?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's been awhile. I've been all over the place in my head. The anxiety character has been center stage in a real leading role. Starting 2015 hit a bit hard and cast off my streak of positive spins on life.

Sometimes, it seems that a sense of humor used for coping can mean people don't really understand you when you are serious. My anxiety can manifest itself in some ridiculous ways. I can recognize the silliness of some of it from an outsider's point-of-view, but it doesn't mean I can stop it easily.

So, why the picture of socks? Well, I have always had a love for patterned socks. This love meant wearing non-patterned clothes, often including shirts with a simple graphic image or character. If I chose to wear the socks in the picture, the goldfish could be worn with a shirt that is plain white; plain orange; or, one of the plain blues. For the Stormtrooper socks, I would be okay with a solid black; solid white; solid red; or, maybe even a shirt (black, white, red, or perhaps gray) with an image from "Star Wars".

I decided to go out of my comfort zone and wear some patterned socks with shirts I never would have considered. This wasn't as daring as it could have been because I was wearing long pants. It wasn't like anyone was really going to see the socks. I did this a couple of times. But, I still had other restrictions I would place on wearing the socks. One day, I was going to wear the Stormtrooper socks and thought about wearing a black t-shirt with a white image of Spider-Man on it. I could not do it. There was no way I was going to be okay with mixing a Marvel character mixing with a "Star Wars" image. At this point, there is no way for my stress level to accommodate wearing mismatched socks. I get anxious when I see mismatched socks on someone, or intentionally sold that way.

I bet you, dear reader, are wondering what any of this has to do with the title of this post. Well, I think my anxiety being on the rise is partially related to a new year starting and my 40th birthday coming up next month. The socks wearing decisions give me a sense of control in what feels like a dreaded time.

Many have mentioned the awesomeness that 40 brings or how it is merely a number. The thing is, for some of those people, they had kids and/or a career. They had a sense of purpose, a meaning to life.

I'm having an epic stare down with my 40th birthday. No matter what the year, my birthday marks the approximate anniversary of a failed embryo implant. But, adding 40 into the mix adds some salt. I thought we would have kids at this point. Also, I thought I'd be able to tolerate any job as long as I had those kids. Now, I don't have the kids, I don't have the uterus, and I don't have any idea what to do with myself. What I do have is anxiety and depression because I should have my life together and I don't know how to get beyond my head to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

In the meantime...

It's been awhile and I'm still trying to figure out what I want to write about for a new post.  In the meantime, enjoy this picture of me looking like a little kid at the grown-ups' table.

Where was it you wanted him kept?

Before I get into the heart of this post, I'm going to say that this may be one of "the icky, cream-filled ones". It could possibly be classified under "how to lose friends and infuriate people."

Between police involved shootings and the report on the CIA torturing prisoners, this holiday season has been difficult for keeping hope alive. Throw social media into the mix and a hot mess just gets hotter and messier. I've tried to keep from posting anything that may cause too heated a comment battle. Following that same mentality, I've bitten the proverbial tongue by keeping my own comments on the posts of others to a minimum. I have been one for getting into pissing matches via comment sections in the past. It really ends in my getting riled up and nothing productive coming from it.

Though I do not follow any religion, I do have many friends who identify themselves as one Christian denomination or other. My feed on Facebook will often contain religious themed quotes; updates on what he/she is doing with his/her particular church group; religious news or pictures, etc. I usually scroll through these things without much thought or analysis since it's really not my thing.

Lately, though, I've been paying closer attention to my feed because I can't believe some of what I've seen. When the CIA shit hit the fan, it hit my news feed as well. Pictures of the events of 9/11/01 were being shared with messages about how the events of that day make the CIA justified in the use of various forms of torture -- the very types of torture most would be enraged over if done to "our" prisoners. There was also a picture floating around of "The Elf on a Shelf" doll being water boarded by a "G.I. Joe" doll who is trying to get information on where the toys are hidden. I decided that was too much for me to handle in my feed so I un-friended or un-followed some people...Christian people.

Then, there are the police shootings and racial tensions that have escalated. Again, I tried to keep from battling folks in cyberspace, including those I actually know in person. One post I did make was to share a statement from Cleveland Browns player, Andrew Hawkins about his choice to wear a t-shirt at a game that was in protest of two police shootings of black people in Ohio. I felt his point-of-view was well stated and I could relate to his anger being at individuals not the police as a whole. When I posted this, someone disagreed with what I posted. I simply said that we were most likely not going to change each other's minds, so we should leave it at that. Somehow, this meant that I was in favor of what a group of protesters had been chanting about killing cops. Wait, what? No. I don't know how that leap was made, but that is not at all anything with which I agree. My agreement with Hawkins' statement is that it is possible to be outraged by the behavior of individuals while supporting the job of police officers in general.

Just like other issues of discrimination, the tensions arise because behaviors of a person or minority of persons belonging to a group are seen as the norm for the group as a whole -- be this religion, gender, sexuality, race, and, now, a profession. This kind of generalizing is like living out synecdoche as more than a simple figure of speech for dramatic effect.

From what I've read and heard of Christ, I don't see how torture of or blanket support of or overwhelming hatred of a group fits into being a follower of a religion based on his teachings. I certainly do not question all Christians. I'm trying to understand how such duality can exist in some individuals.

In the end, I just wonder if some individuals should be less concerned about keeping Christ in CHRISTmas and maybe think more about keeping Christ in CHRISTian.

'Tis the Season

This isn't the entry I have been planning to write. That will have to wait for another day soon. I had a moment this morning while reading my Facebook News Feed that got me thinking and I decided to throw the thoughts out to the gaping maw of the bottomless pit which is cyberspace.

The stretch of time between the U.S.'s Thanksgiving through New Year's Day, you know, when different groups celebrate different things while wrapping  up one year and looking to the next. Grumpiness, Bah Humbugs, and Grinch-like behavior sometimes peep through, even from the holliest and jolliest of folks. But, there are some things that I don't see as worth getting your Burgermeister Meisterburger up in arms over.

I fall into the category of a "Happy Holidays" wisher, for the most part. You may find that offensive, put me in my proverbial place, delete me from social media, never read my blog again, and go off to commiserate with Bill O'Reilly and the rest of the War on Christmas protesters. (If saying, "Happy Holidays" is an act of war, I don't know what is going on in the Middle East!) Anyway, you can take that approach, as is your right.

Or, may I suggest an alternative? You can smile, say "Thank You!", maybe a "Merry Christmas" in return if that is your preferred greeting to use. You can be gracious and accept the greeting, as generic or blanket statement-like as you feel it is, in the spirit with which it is most likely intended. It is not a dig at those celebrating Christmas. It is not a bleeding heart conspiracy term meant to start a war. It is a pleasantry akin to "Have a nice day" or "I hope all is well." If someone were to say to me, "Happy Hanukkah (or Chanukah or Chanukkah)!" I would not be offended because, in that moment of well wishing, it is not about the holiday celebrated or the religion practiced. It's a simple exchange of greetings which takes a few seconds out of our chaotic lives to just be kind to one another.

During a time when faces are buried in smart phones, lines are long, people are running ragged, even a smile and a nod with no words at all is a breath of fresh air. Winter is gray, day light is with us for a shorter amount of time, and some are going through the worst times of their lives. This stretch of time from Thanksgiving through New Year's Day is so often associated with giving. The giving doesn't have to be materialistic. A week ago, I was in line behind a man at Target. During his transaction, the chit-chat between he and the cashier revealed that it was his birthday. When he was done, he went to the in-store Starbucks. As I was leaving the checkout, I went to the Starbucks and offered to buy his coffee. He turned me down, but while doing so said, "No, but thank you. That is the best gift I've received." So, my point is, just being kind in action or in words captures the spirit of the season.

My wish for all, as Blues Traveler sings, is:

And everybody sings
If it's Chanukah or Kwanza
Solstice, harvest or December twenty-fifth
Peace on earth to everyone
And abundance to everyone you're with.

Take time for a moment of kindness

I'm going to resist the temptation to go on some kind of rant about the events in Ferguson, Missouri or Cleveland, Ohio. It is so easy for me to get worked up and focus on the negatives of this world. Even without the disturbing events in the news, I get down in the dumps this time of year for a few reasons.

A few months ago, life, both personal and the world in general, were bringing me down. I made a conscious effort to find something positive, even uplifting, you might say. There was this thing going around Facebook that really was all about kindness. I posted on my page that I would do something nice for the first 5 people to say that they would be in and would do something for 5 people. It was about paying kindness forward. Obviously, we should be kind to people as a general rule for life, but this just served to bring it to the forefront of one's mind.

I finished my list of five. The last two haven't gotten theirs yet. I need to get them shipped. The list was an interesting combo of people because some of them were people I knew pretty well and some that I haven't seen for years or don't know them all that well outside of Facebook. This made me have to put more thought into what I did. I had to use Facebook and sometimes other social media sites to get an idea about the person in order to figure out what might be a nice surprise. From the responses of some who got their gifts already, I felt pretty good about what I decided to do for them.  Maybe "Friends" was right about good deeds.

 One response along with a photo of the items popped up on my Facebook feed:

So I had a really bad day today, then my son got the mail and there was a package from Colorado from my old grade school friend, Meg. See I wrote on her pay it forward status and she sent me MINIONS!!!! She also sent me a magnet with one of my favorite quotes on it... "One person can make a difference, and everyone should try." JFK. In fact I had used this quote today at work arguing a point I was trying to make. And did I mention the minions?

Another person also posted a picture of the gift and messages on two different days:

There are some days that I feel like I'm just "not going to make it through the day" today was getting to be one of those days. Then the mail came. Meg this "pay it forward" is literally the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. I am speechless. You changed my life this afternoon, I can't thank you enough. Even more awesome, you captured the spirit in each of my kids with the pictures you chose and, you don't even know them. You are awesome

and:

I just want you to know, my pay it forward gift is also getting me through this day. This day has been a really crappy one I read your card again and I can breathe. Faith restored in people because of you, Thank you! Some people suck but not everyone sucks!!!

I really felt good after reading the posts. They gave me a boost of happy in my day. It's weird for me to post this because it makes me feel like I'm bragging. While at my therapist's around the time of those Facebook messages, I said, "Okay, I'm going to stop talking now because I'm starting to sound..." She cut me off and said, "No, no you don't. You are not tooting your own horn. Even if you think you are, it would only be a very quiet, "toot, toot." She knew where I was going in my head before I even finished talking. UGH! Maybe that horn is getting louder now. I'm sorry.

Now, it's not just my own kindnesses that got me all warm and fuzzy, so let me make up for my bragging. Seeing others being treated with kindness and complimented makes me feel good, too.

Almost 2 months ago, my parents were involved in a car accident that could have been much worse, but still landed them in the hospital. They both had broken vertebrae and left the hospital wearing braces. One of my brothers and his family took them in because my mom and dad weren't going to be able to manage on their own at their own house. After about a month and a half, they are back at their own house.

Anyway, the outpouring of support and generosity shown toward them from so many people was heartwarming. It helped put me at some ease since I live 1,300-ish miles away. There were cards, flowers, and visits. And, some went beyond that by running errands, bringing them Communion (they are Catholic), making them meals and much more. It is just nice to know that such kindness exists in what can be such a fucked up world.

Another thing going on that brings a lump to my throat has to do with my father-in-law, Jerry. Over this last year, he and my husband have been working on publishing his rodeo photography into a hard cover book. When the idea for doing this came about, Jerry joined Facebook. It gave him the opportunity to reconnect with old friends and people from his days on the rodeo circuit. The kind words, deep respect, and memories people have shown toward him are so touching to read. He, in turn, has shared wonderful words about Shawn and his involvement in the process. It is beautiful to witness.

So, I guess I'm really just trying to point out the importance to, as Ellen DeGeneres says at the end of her show, "be kind to one another."

Doggy & Me

Perhaps this is a kind of bitchy post, but it is my blog and I can bitch if I want to, so there!

Even before I knew I couldn't have kids of my own, the idea of joining a group like MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers) or going to Mommy-and-Me classes seemed like the last thing I would do if I had a baby. There were groups of moms who would bring their kids to story time at the bookstore where I worked. They would sit around in the store's cafe and go on and on about their kids. It was like a one-up competition when you listened in on them. It would be nice to be friends with my child's friends' parents, but that doesn't always happen.

This morning, Shawn and I took Jarvis to the dog park we regularly take him to. It was unusually crowded. I really started to feel like it was similar to what I would have experienced hanging out with other moms at the playground with our kids.

There was this group of people who seemed to be related to each other. There were small children with them, including a baby. This alone makes me nervous at the dog park. Dogs don't pay attention to things like people standing in their way when they are deep in the fun of playing and chasing. I've seen people almost get knocked over on more than one occasion. So, grandma holding baby, for example, could be disastrous.

On top of those concerns, I also realized that being witness to other people's parenting, not only of children, but also of dogs, can be so frustrating. One of the women had a dog who was a humper. Yeah, most people would prefer their dogs not do this kind of thing. Her dog was smaller than Jarvis and some of the other dogs. He was desperate to show the others he was boss despite his size. She was yelling and yelling at him to stop. But, what she yelled was more ridiculous than anything. When they were all getting ready to leave, her dog went in for one last hump of Jarvis. It seems that this was the last straw for Jarvis, who had been pretty good about shrugging him off most of the time. Jarvis turned and growled and barked at him. The lady called her dog. He came over to her and when she moved a step, he cowered as she went on a rant at him about how she wouldn't feel bad if Jarvis bit him; how she hoped Jarvis would "bite [his] face off." She said something about how he'd get his face ripped off and she would cut it up in small pieces and feed it to Jarvis. WTF???

She apologizes to us and to Jarvis for her dog's behavior. And, as she holds the baby, she says to us that the behavior bothers her and maybe it's because she's a mother now. She said that her child doesn't need to see such violent behavior. WHAT THE FUCK????!!!! First, they are dogs, humping happens and testing each other's boundaries happens. It never really escalated to a giant, dog fighting disaster. Second, children are going to pick-up on the behavior of their parents more than they are the behavior of the family dog. This woman should be more concerned about the violent language, the cussing out, and overall obnoxiousness that she is carrying out in front of her child than she should be about the dogs.

I kind of had the urge to rip her face off, but Jarvis need not be witness to that kind of violent behavior.

#itskindofajokebutiamthispathetic

While I was recovering from surgery this summer, I discovered a whole new world that exists after 9 p.m. Not having to get up at 4 a.m. allowed me to screw up my sleep schedule in all kinds of ways -- it was AWESOME! There were even times when Shawn and I actually went to bed at the same time (not for sexytime, surgery put the kibosh on that for a while).

With this awakening {BA DUM TSS}, I was able to watch "@midnight" on Comedy Central which actually comes on at 10 p.m. here; when you leave in Mountain Time, you learn that television is pretty East-ocentric. I was awed by the humor the internets could provide on a "game" show like this one. My favorite part of the whole thing was #hashtagwars. I swear, that segment taught me my life's purpose in the Twitter-verse, of which I never fully felt a part. It's an audience-plays-along-at-home thing. Oh, when the topic of the war was revealed, I would take to the keyboard.

Some night's I would get on an amazing roll of profound wit and punnery. I was gaining followers; my tweet counter was rapidly rising; I was being re-tweeted; and favorites of my tweets were reaching new levels. Oh, the high I felt was inspiring. People liked "me," they really liked "me!" One night, even the show re-tweeted me!!! I made it on to it's Top 10 list for that particular hashtag (#WorseCollegeMascots, about which I tweeted, UNLV Pawnbrokers). This meant that I could possibly have my tweet broadcast on the next episode of the show! My husband shared this accomplishment on his own social media pages. He was proud of me and wanted people to know it. Everything seemed so fulfilling!

Then...my six weeks of recovery were up. I was only going to be able to play if I didn't have to work the next morning and if I wasn't too tired. The realization of what I was missing out on by regularly having an early bedtime just made thoughts of my return to work that much more gut-wrenching.

It sucks to only be an occasional participant. The worst is when I see a hashtag from a night I couldn't play and I know I would have been able to create a million tweets about it. Then, on nights when I can stay awake, the topics are sometimes about something that I'm not too up on and clever. Without being able to saturate Twitter with my good and bad jokes, my stats numbers aren't reaching the levels they did before my return to work.

Now, as someone who measures her self-worth in qualitative things such as Facebook likes and shares; blog views and comments; Twitter followers, favorites, and re-tweets; and any other measurable social media activity, this is quite a blow. I have hit a low. Did I peak too soon? Am I the Halle Berry of #hashtagwars; getting my version of an Oscar and now being on a network T.V. series (which I'm not even sure if it has succeeded to stay on the air)? She actually won and wasn't just a nominee. Being on the Top 10 list is probably more like a nomination. I guess I may be more like the Haley Joel Osment, getting a nomination early on and not doing much since.