"I can handle things! I'm smart! Not like everybody says... like dumb... I'm smart and I want respect!"

I'm smart.

I'm not Doogie-Howser-MD-at-14 smart.

I'm not summa-cum-laude-from-Harvard-followed-by-an-Oxford-Fellowship smart.

I am smart. I have a piece of paper, a very expensive piece of paper, from a respected Ohio institution saying I have a Bachelor of Arts (given my actual academic skills, a BS* {ba dum tss} probably would have been more accurate). An institution founded in 1871 that was the first women's college in Ohio and among the first in the country. Despite my best worst study habits, I had  grades that meant, when I crossed the stage for the expensive piece of paper, I got a little gold addition to the diploma saying that I was smart. I was finishing up magna cum laude.

*I am smart enough to know that I was making a joke about BS meaning Bullshit instead of Bachelor of Science.

So, why does it matter that I'm smart? Social media. Social media is why it matters. I took a break from Facebook because I felt like I was being made to feel stupid. I'm sorry, Madame First Lady Roosevelt, I guess I'm giving all kinds of consent to many on Facebook to make me feel inferior.

I used to think rhetorical questions were a kind of literary device that could be used to provoke thought. I thought I was being clever and smart. But, when I've used them on social media, I end up being schooled in all different ways about the topic of the rhetorical question. Comment after comment of articles to educate me. If I wasn't being rhetorical, I would share articles and shit. I KNOW HOW TO GOOGLE. I'm smart.

When I decide to share something, I try to make sure it's not bullshit. Sometimes I'm not as thorough as I should be, but I really do try. I KNOW HOW TO GOOGLE. I KNOW HOW TO USE SNOPES.COM. I'm smart.

Sometimes a meme is just a meme. I shared a funny meme. It didn't say anything about any political party, and any particular presidential administration. It was not challenging any data...or at least, I didn't think it was. Perhaps the meme could have applied to a few years ago, that didn't make it any less valid today. It was funny. I found it to be clever. I'm smart.

I made a post venting about a situation. I was venting that the situation wasn't trending. It just seemed like something that some of the people I know on Facebook would typically talk about. I merely said what the situation was. I made no comment regarding either political party, or the current vs. previous administration. I'm horrified by the current administration, don't get me wrong, but I also don't have rose colored glasses when it comes to my guy from the last administration. The post was strictly bringing up an issue that was in the news, but not my trending list. Again, it wasn't a post needing to have articles posted, such as the one that pointed out that it wasn't something that started with 45. I wasn't asking what the story was, I was pointing out that the story wasn't trending. I KNOW HOW TO GOOGLE. I'm smart.

I made another post. It was a very specific point involving Constitutional rights. Again, a very specific situation. A comment was made that seemed like an attempt to school me and friends who were reading the post. It felt like it was being made to point something out to me that was nothing I ever made any kind of comment on. Like, I'm known to be liberal and couldn't possible see the parallels. I mean, obviously I'd be a hypocrite and therefore ignorant as to how the cases were the same issue. I understand things. I'm smart.

I'm smart.

I'm not degrees-from-all-the-Ivy-League-schools-at-10-years-old smart.

But, I am smart.
 

Drugs and treatments and doctors, oh my!

Things have been rough. Things have been rough for a few months. More than the usual roughness that has been my life for too many years. 

Earlier this year, my primary care physician did my annual thyroid check. He keeps tabs on my hypothyroidism and prescribes the Synthroid as he sees fit. He has always been my thyroid guy. 

My PCP knows my PsychNP. He recommended her to me when my previous psychiatrist was retiring. His reason for liking her is that she doesn't over-prescribe. She focuses on using the least amount of meds to get the job done. I honestly can't remember how long it has been since I started seeing her. But, when I did, she changed my diagnosis to Bipolar Depression. I'm not sure if she kept the anxiety in there, but since I'm still taking Ativan, I'm thinking she did. 

So, a pretty significant med cocktail rehaul took place. Then, Electroconvulsive Therapy was added to the list of shit-to-try-to-fix-me. That was 9 months of being put under and having electrical stimulation of the brain. The hope was a reboot of my brain to make me more responsive to medications. Uh, not so much. The average course of treatment with ECT is 6-12 sessions. I was going 3 times a week in the beginning, so those average numbers were blown away and I still went 2 days a week, eventually working down to about 1 a week, and, I think it may have been an every other week thing in the end. Given I don't remember pretty much the entire year of 2016 (ECT can wipe your memory from periods before treatment, during treatment, and kind of fuck up after, too) I'm not sure how the tapering worked. Shawn was pretty much the one to put the stop to the treatment. He didn't see that I was benefiting, so my last treatment, against the Psychiatrist's recommendations, was December 23rd, 2016. 

The ECT Psychiatrist also knew my PsychNP. He would be in regular contact with her throughout my treatment. I didn't entirely agree with her about my diagnosis and some of the meds I was one. Um, okay, what should I do? He doesn't do psych work other than ECT. So, it wasn't like I could start seeing him. 

I've stayed with my PsychNP. It's been a few years at this point. She doesn't take our insurance anymore, so I see her less often. She is quite frustrating, but finding another mental health provider is a very stressful process. There's the "FUCK! I have to start at the very beginning!" then there is the "Are you kidding me? I've been being treated for something and you don't agree?" and the starting over on a different course of meds. The meds part is the worst. Breaking in a new medication means trial and error; may it doesn't work; maybe it works but needs a higher dose; and, of course, new side effects.

As often as he can, I have Shawn come to my appointments. He can provide insight as to my special kind of crazy. This last appointment, he came. It was probably be good because I was extremely frustrated. There's her excessive lateness, for one thing. The last few months she has screwed up my Ativan prescriptions with the pharmacy. She is SUPER married to my drug cocktail even when I tell her things are off. This time, she looks at my thyroid report and the dose of Synthroid and decides she's taking it over. She explained that the thyroid issues and the bipolar issues can sometimes cause problems when trying to dose the Synthroid. She said my PCP is very good, but not experienced enough with treating both things. WTF???? I've been on thyroid meds since you started seeing me. Why wouldn't you just take them over from the beginning. Then she brings up that the problem with two of my meds could be the generic versions I'm taking. She said it could be that we need to specify that I get them from the generic company I had gotten from before the switch a few months ago. I know generics are hard to deal with, especially when coming off the name brand, so I agree that this could be the reason for my issues these last few months. So, we're changing from one generic to another for a couple of drugs. We are changing the Synthroid dose, which is so frustrating because I have months worth of dose I was put on earlier this year. But, then there is the one med that she hates that I'm on the generic version. She brings it and mentions Canada. We've been through this, Canada wasn't any cheaper. I'm not paying hundreds of dollars a month for a name brand med. She doesn't like that I make money an issue. She says she's not concerned about money, she's concerned about my health. I tell her my anxiety isn't going to be addressed by excessive amounts of money being spent that we can't afford. She then looks at Shawn and asks if money's really that much of an issue. Now that was some bullshit there. We do not have hundreds of dollars a month to spend on name brand because she swears by it....must have a deal with the company.  I was pissed during and after.

Here I am. A few months of major mood issues. I've been breaking down in the same conversation I had just been goofing around during. I simply cry. Just cry. I drive and cry. I work and cry. I sit in an office working on files at work and cry while Abby, my office mate cat, just chills out with no empathy whatsoever (Did I mention she's a cat? Who would expect empathy?). There's also some rage mixed in followed by exhaustion. The exhaustion also comes from putting on a show, doing some of my best acting in social situations without bawling my eyes out. Hopefully all of the drug changes will change things. Hopefully I'll figure out a new shrink. Hopefully I simply will.  

Then there is Shawn, through all of this...

...and I'm not sure I will ever understand why.

When it's someone you know on the other side of #MeToo

Earlier this week, someone we know was revealed to have been accused of sexual harassment. This is guy I know through Shawn. He falls in the nameless in between of acquaintance and friend. He's a big personality, you know he is in the room. He's an affectionate guy. When I first met him, he asked if he could give me a hug. There was an understanding of consent, it seemed. I'm not so much a hugger (outside of a very short list of people in my life), but Shawn was there and I figured no biggie. Hell, it avoided me going for the handshake "goodbye" and him going in for the hug. That's an awkward turn of events.

So, this has weighed heavily on my mind. His side of the story includes the "it was a misunderstanding" approach. This may very well be the case for him. Him thinking he misread things doesn't minimize what the victims' sides of their stories are. His misreading them, doesn't mean they misread him and his desire for something from them that they didn't want to give. So, he may feel some contrition about the situation. That, however, doesn't mean victims are now negated.

I've struggled the last two days with how I feel about all of this. Should I feel differently because the accused is part of my societal bubble? Should I charge to his defense? How does this play into #MeToo? Was it easier to shake my fist at celebrities accused of similar things and far worse? Doesn't it carry more weight when there are multiple accusers? They can't all be full of shit or all giving off misunderstood vibes, right? So, so many questions.

What I have decided to do, for now, is unfriend him. Part of this comes from reading his page on one of the social media outlets. There were people firmly standing by him and claiming him as their friend in a stance of solidarity. It bothered me, in a way, because of the comments threads that ensued. I understand wanting to support your friend and give him the opportunity for change, or even redemption. He even wrote about changes he has been working toward throughout the years and those he'll add. But, when the comments took a turn from "you are still my friend" to a super rah-rah-rah and "it's a fucking witch hunt" and "the writer is a fucker" and the "victims" "want to destroy a man's livelihood for their own sadistic desires"...that set a different tone which made me uncomfortable. It made me think, why would I come forward?