Should you go back again?

I've been having some real moments lately. Crying spells and exhaustion. Sometimes I think about ECT. Thoughts sometimes that maybe I should revisit, even with the amnesia experience, I sometimes wonder if I should. Shawn tells me that it didn't do what we had hoped the first time, so why would we go through it again? Why? Well, it's a legit reason to sleep the day away. At least treatment days. The amnesia sucks, but sometimes, not so much.

Sometimes.

Shaky McShakesmore

It's been going on for quite a while. I have shaky hands, particularly the right, of course. It has to be my dominant one. I've looked up the side effects of my various drugs and from my ECT treatments. I couldn't find anything about it being from ECT. Lithium seems to be the likely culprit. Lithium also can contribute to my memory issues, more short term, minor things than ECT has caused. This can hopefully get worked out with new medical insurance and a new psychiatrist.

Last weekend and this week have hit me particularly hard when it comes to the fine motor skill trouble. I've been pretty down for a while now, but more so this last week. I found some art supplies that I haven't used in years. I thought maybe I should try to do some stuff, do more than sit around with my laptop and the TV. So I picked up the pens and the pad of drawing paper to get going. I was trying to go back to my days of abstract design.

I couldn't do it. The right hand wouldn't allow a straight line. I couldn't make a shake-less arch or loop. It brought me to tears of frustration. I can't imagine that I would be able to do a portrait such as this again:

I also tried to paint the way I used to. I did a water effect with a wide sponge-brush, but I haven't had it in me to really try to paint the fish I want to do. Smaller details are so difficult.

There are many other things. Things that you probably take for granted. Things that start to make me cry or to make me extremely frustrated. Sometimes, using a fork is a challenge. Not for big things that you stab, like a piece of meat. But, trying to eat something like rice or something like coleslaw can be a really annoyance. Scooping with a spoon isn't too bad, but getting the spoon to my mouth can be tough sometimes. Pouring things can sometimes be a problem, but not always. 

Trying to turn pages or separate pieces of paper can make me seize up and want to throw the things across the room. Writing isn't always a problem, but there are moments. This week I used a drill and screwdrivers. While holding the tool with my right hand, I need my left hand to hold the end to place it into the head of the screw. Once I do that, my right hand can handle the turning, for the most part. But, if the screwdriver slips, I need my left hand to swoop in and grab the end and place it in the screw head again. 

I know it could be worse, a lot worse. But, that doesn't change how bad I feel when facing these things. It sucks. Among many other things, it makes me cry and can cause me to fall into one of my lows. 

Maybe it's the Lithium. Maybe the new insurance will lead to a better doctor who can come up with a better treatment.

Until then, I'll be Shaky McShakesmore.