A most gentle man

Today I found out that Dr. Frank Guerra, one of the heads of the practice where I had my ECT, had died. He was the anesthesiologist. He had cancer. It seems it was too far gone when they found it.

I've written a lot about my ECT experience. It was a significant part of my life, so I will continue to write about it whenever I see fit. 

One of the strange things about my memory loss is what wasn't lost. I remember the office; the waiting room; the staff; the pre-treatment questions; getting in my gown; lying on the gurney; and being wheeled into treatment room. With all of this, I remember moments with Dr. Guerra. Some days, the nurses would have a hard time getting a vein for my IV. They would leave it for Dr. Guerra to do when I went in. He was so gentle and got it done easily. My favorite memory of interacting with him was a day when I were late to our appointment. Being late can turn into a huge trigger of my anxiety. So, I was all keyed up about it. When I got into the treatment room and he was on my right side as per usual, he brought his observation of my stress. He asked me what was going on that had me so anxious. I explained that we were late. He asked me something like, "Did you make it? Are you here?" and I said, "Yes" and he told me that that was all that mattered. He then had me relaxed and put under. He's bedside manner was sweet and kind.

My hope, that in his memory, those he taught and mentored learned one very important thing, a tender and kind bedside manner. 

Choosing battles

I have these things about social media. One is that I really need to keep myself from reading the comments. Another is that when I read a post from a "friend" I have to make a choice to comment or not to comment. Am I going to change their mind? Is it going to turn into a pissing contest? Lately, I have realized it may be best to "unfriend" and "unfollow". I've always felt weird about doing that.

Tonight, I chose to "unfriend" and "unfollow". I just didn't think commenting was going to make much difference. However, I do feel like I'm a wimp who isn't standing up for something I feel strongly about.

This "friend" posted a link to an article about the first non-binary person coming out and admitting it was a sham. The "friend" said that you had to believe this person's story even if you didn't support the source site/publication. He then went on to bring up James "Buffalo Bill" Gumb from the movie The Silence of the Lambs. He pointed out that "Buffalo Bill" was denied gender reassignment surgery because he was mentally unstable. This was so unbelievably offensive to me. As if "Buffalo Bill" should be the standard to which we hold transgenderism. He said that he wasn't going to argue transgenderism but psychological treatment must be exhausted before any harmful chemicals or surgical procedures be considered.

I started to comment. I started to say that psychological/psychiatric treatment is a part of the process. You have to be cleared for medical procedures. I wanted to school him. I wanted to be an ALLY for my friends. I wimped out, though. I went the simple route of clicking "unfriend" and "unfollow". For this, my trans friends and my friends with trans friends and family members, I wish I would have done better by you.

A Smooth Criminal

I saw a bunch of social media buzz about HBO's Documentary Leaving Neverland. It's about 2 boys, now grown men who have come out with their stories about sexual abuse at the hands of Michael Jackson. I made the mistake, as often happens, of reading the comments. Some of the posts really bothered me so I felt it was a good idea to view the film. And, the comments still bother me.

Late 2017 the #MeToo movement started to erupt. People were feeling free to share their stories. Some stories were shared for those who no longer had their voice. I started to recognize that time doesn't matter. I know someone who was a victim of a sexual assault and went through some major shit trying to recover and reclaim her life. She never reported it. In these last 20-30 years, she has kept his name from being reported. I would never tell her it’s too late. No matter how soon or how far off someone comes to the point of telling their story, it is their truth on their timeline.

An now, to talk about Michael Jackson. I fully believe him to be a sexual abuser. I believe that there are times the abused becomes the abuser and really feel that is what happened here. The pedophile is a groomer and if anyone had the capacity to groom a child it would be the wealthy man-child himself. He seduced the whole family of the guys in the documentary. He was slick, some might say "smooth", and he was protected.

What really sets me off about the comment feeds on all the different social media posts. The idol worship, godlike image with which people paint him is like a level of blindness.

It bothers me that #MeToo was started as a kind of women's movement that took a little time to acknowledge the victimization of males. Out came Anthony Rapp with accusations against Kevin Spacey. Spacey is facing a felony sexual assault charge. This shows the movement knows no boundaries.

If you supported Anita Hill by saying that the time it took her should not be an issue because she had her truth to address; if you say that Dr. Christine Blasey-Ford came out when it was right for her because the truth about Kavanaugh needed to be heard; if you defend any female celebrity or otherwise for finding the strength to speak-out on her terms, her time when she felt safe, her time to be an example to all the other victims becoming survivors, you cannot tell other victims they have a curfew.

I know people who supported the women or women like them that I mentioned above. Those same people don't believe Michael Jackson's accusers and even said it is because they waited too long to report. Fine, don't believe them, support Michael Jackson, but don't use a timeline as your reasoning unless you will recant support of Hill and Blasey-Ford and countless other victims who followed their own timelines.

And, finally, some of you know damn well that if your son or daughter, your brother or sister, your best friend came to you in 10, 15, 20 years with their truth to tell, you will DAMN well support them.