Thursday, December 12, 2013

2013 = Suckiest suck that ever sucked

If we were in a world in which 2013 wasn't the suckiest suck that ever sucked, I would be wearing clever maternity t-shirts in the last stages of pregnancy. The holiday season would be filled with the anticipation of a new baby. Finishing touches would be added to the Lil' Cthulhu or other geek themed nursery. But, no such world exists.
In my 2013, there is no pregnancy and won't be any in the years to come. My husband and I will not have a child we make together. No Finnegan and/or Beatrice for me to feel growing inside me. I cannot do this thing, this thing that women are built to do.  In fact, all those parts women have for that purpose, I have to have removed. Where do I go from here? How do I stop wanting something that cannot be?

Some people (therapist included) have said that I have to mourn. Right now, I can't even comprehend how that would play out. When I think of mourning a loss, I think there was something and now there isn't. How do you mourn the idea of something? The want for something you never had? 

I have moments when I think about the amazing experiences we would share with our child. Like the wonder of the holiday season. We would see the Parade of Lights, Zoo Lights, and lights at The Butterfly Pavilion through the awe in the eyes of our child. I would smile as our little geek marvels at the world of Marvel (not DC) that Shawn would introduce to him/her.  Down the line, there would possibly be the rebellion that he/she might exercise through becoming a fan of DC instead of Marvel. We would possibly become grandparents and I would feel that I left a mark on this world. I could die knowing I contributed to the future; that my life meant something and left a legacy. Is listing my dreams of our life part of the mourning process? Will this help me let go of this horrible pain?

I have a hysterectomy to schedule at some point in 2014. Will that be when I mourn? During that process that seals the deal on my not being able to carry and birth a child? 

All I know, in response to these questions, is that I just don't know.

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