#itskindofajokebutiamthispathetic

While I was recovering from surgery this summer, I discovered a whole new world that exists after 9 p.m. Not having to get up at 4 a.m. allowed me to screw up my sleep schedule in all kinds of ways -- it was AWESOME! There were even times when Shawn and I actually went to bed at the same time (not for sexytime, surgery put the kibosh on that for a while).

With this awakening {BA DUM TSS}, I was able to watch "@midnight" on Comedy Central which actually comes on at 10 p.m. here; when you leave in Mountain Time, you learn that television is pretty East-ocentric. I was awed by the humor the internets could provide on a "game" show like this one. My favorite part of the whole thing was #hashtagwars. I swear, that segment taught me my life's purpose in the Twitter-verse, of which I never fully felt a part. It's an audience-plays-along-at-home thing. Oh, when the topic of the war was revealed, I would take to the keyboard.

Some night's I would get on an amazing roll of profound wit and punnery. I was gaining followers; my tweet counter was rapidly rising; I was being re-tweeted; and favorites of my tweets were reaching new levels. Oh, the high I felt was inspiring. People liked "me," they really liked "me!" One night, even the show re-tweeted me!!! I made it on to it's Top 10 list for that particular hashtag (#WorseCollegeMascots, about which I tweeted, UNLV Pawnbrokers). This meant that I could possibly have my tweet broadcast on the next episode of the show! My husband shared this accomplishment on his own social media pages. He was proud of me and wanted people to know it. Everything seemed so fulfilling!

Then...my six weeks of recovery were up. I was only going to be able to play if I didn't have to work the next morning and if I wasn't too tired. The realization of what I was missing out on by regularly having an early bedtime just made thoughts of my return to work that much more gut-wrenching.

It sucks to only be an occasional participant. The worst is when I see a hashtag from a night I couldn't play and I know I would have been able to create a million tweets about it. Then, on nights when I can stay awake, the topics are sometimes about something that I'm not too up on and clever. Without being able to saturate Twitter with my good and bad jokes, my stats numbers aren't reaching the levels they did before my return to work.

Now, as someone who measures her self-worth in qualitative things such as Facebook likes and shares; blog views and comments; Twitter followers, favorites, and re-tweets; and any other measurable social media activity, this is quite a blow. I have hit a low. Did I peak too soon? Am I the Halle Berry of #hashtagwars; getting my version of an Oscar and now being on a network T.V. series (which I'm not even sure if it has succeeded to stay on the air)? She actually won and wasn't just a nominee. Being on the Top 10 list is probably more like a nomination. I guess I may be more like the Haley Joel Osment, getting a nomination early on and not doing much since.

Sundry

It's been awhile since the last post. I've avoided writing because I was waiting for something on the lighter, brighter, more entertaining side of life about which to document here. This is going to just turn into a list of rants, so here it goes.

1. You CANNOT drink and still be considered an addict in recovery. Quitting one drug doesn't mean you can just go on to something else.
2. If you are a raging, nasty, fight-picking asshole when you are drunk, it's because you are an asshole.
3. If none of your friends and loved ones want to be around your significant other; if they don't want that person in their homes; if your boss even has said things indicating they know the person is no good; then you should probably get out, completely out, of that relationship.
4. If you are announcing on FB, Twitter, etc, where alcohol checkpoints are going to be on a given night, I consider you to be part of the drunk driving problem. Why are you sharing that info? It would be kind of ironic if you gave your friend a heads up about an area they should avoid when they are driving under the influence (and "just buzzed" counts) so that they don't get pulled over and arrested only for them to then kill you or someone you love.
   In my ever so not-humble opinion on the matter, I see this kind of "knowledge sharing" on the same level of giving someone a detailed layout of a building for another to go in to commit a crime.
5. Freedom of Speech has to do with the government not restraining or limiting you. A private sector company firing you or suspending you for something you said on air is not a violation of your free speech. You were free to say it and they were free to not like it and not support it.
6. Freedom of Religion is kind of similar. The idea here is that government entities cannot force a religious practice or doctrine on anyone. So, a public school cannot organize and mandate prayer. If some kids feel the need to pray, have at it. I would not be okay with them getting up and disrupting class the same way I wouldn't find it appropriate for someone to disrupt class with any other behavior. 
7. My anxiety is at a new high and I actually use my "as needed" Ativan daily, sometimes even maxing out my prescribed daily allowance.
8. I have considered blogging an anxiety attack to try to give people a sense of it. The thing is, when I'm in the midst of one, sitting at my laptop is not top on the list of places to be. The other thing is that if I'm trying to describe it, I almost risk going in to one and they happen enough on their own.
9. My sleep is beyond fucked up and that is an added bonus of anxiety and depression.
10. I'm working with a therapist and I see a psychiatrist, so, yeah, not looking for nor asking for anyone's advice on shit.  I'm merely just throwing this shit out here in the hopes that it will leave my head alone, at least for a little while.
11. Please don't tell me that pot is the answer to all my life's problems. Frankly, it isn't and I'm just not that into it. I don't get major satisfaction from it, so, yeah, not the cure for what ails me.
12. I've discovered I admire a lot of people and a lot of them are a lot younger than me.

Well, that's enough random shit for now. I have to get up early for work.

We're all just different colors on the ribbon rainbow

So many things going through my mind lately; Robin Williams' suicide; ALS Ice Bucket Challenges; and my cousin, Celina's battle with Crohn's Disease are all part of that. All of these things got me thinking about "raising awareness" about so many things people face every day.

If you think about it, the next time you are out-and-about, pay attention to awareness "ribbons" or other car decor to see what is important to that car owner. My prediction is that you will see a lot of pink; some yellow ribbon shaped magnets; and, on occasion, a multi-colored puzzle "ribbon." You would know right away that people feel passionate about breast cancer, supporting U.S. troops, and autism. Then, if I asked you what a red ribbon would signify, you may be able to recall that it was for HIV/AIDS awareness. Of those colors/patterns, a simple Google search seems to reveal that breast cancer has exclusive rights to pink. Most of the other colors/patterns seem to be sharing a color. 

In my case, I could have a yellow ribbon for endometriosis awareness. After Robin Williams' death, quite a few ribbons could be used for raising awareness because you might want to do it with a general mental health color, suicide-prevention color, depression, or drug dependency, for examples. ALS awareness seems like it may have its very own pattern of navy blue and white pin-stripes. This pattern is an homage to Lou Gehrig's Yankees' uniform. Purple seems to be the main color for Crohn's, but I did find some lists with Crohn's being blue.

I kind of want to say, "Fuck the ribbons!" I've become aware of so many important things that so many people struggle with on a daily basis that keeping up with ribbons would lead to needing more cars or just an entire outfit. With some colors having a list of various things associated with them, they're not going to do as well as something like pink and breast cancer. Those things get lost in the shuffle. They also may be the issues no one wants to talk about. But, they are important things.

Maybe we can stop making sufferers of different diseases and/or social issues feel like they need to hide what they face each day. Let's not feel shame, but start to share with one another. Talk, tweet, post wherever you can to get the word out to others. Let's educate each other. We may not have the same struggle, but we are the same in that we each struggle in some way. 

How low can you go?

The subject line has nothing to with doing the Limbo...

I've been having some of my lowest days lately - I cry, I veg, I take care of the dog, I sleep. Next week, I will add my early morning job back into the mix. This is my life.