Mary Christmas

Blanchie and I have always been close, even in some of the worst of the worst of times. We always were particularly close during the holidays. Today, I realized that it's been 11 years since I've had a Mary Christmas (intentional use of Mary since it's Blanchie's first name) because I've been living in Colorado.

I'm pretty sure that, aside from shopping for each other, we did all of our Christmas shopping together. We were on the same wavelength when it came to shopping. There wasn't really any roaming aimlessly hoping for a gift idea. We knew what we were looking for and we were on a mission to go get it and be done. Then the gift wrapping would take place on my parents' bed. She taught me to wrap and how to curl ribbon with the edge of a scissors.

Every year we, along with my Aunt Kathy, would go to a boutique at a local artists' home. It had the most amazing Christmas decorations from around the world. After a bit of shopping, the three of us would then go to lunch. It was tradition.

There were the afternoons of baking. She was the dough roller and cookie cutter. I was the decorator. Now, I love Shawn and Conner, but playing my Mom's role in baking is not my favorite thing. I don't have dough rolling skills up to par with her.

Then, there's Johnny Mathis. He performs the soundtrack for Christmas decorating at my parents' house. I have his Christmas albums along with several others on my iTunes. I confess that this year, I was grouchy about hearing Johnny Mathis, but usually he helps around here.

Now, my Dad taught me the fine art of greeting card shopping and sending. He and I are both Platinum Level Hallmark Gold Crown Members. But, the actual shopping for cards is where my Mom comes into play. We were the best at finding the funniest stuff...we both have probably peed a little at one point or another.

Finally, not really because there is so much more I could say about Blanchie, but for now, this is the end. My Mom was always involved in something charitable. She was part of the social justice committee and the St. Vincent de Paul Society at her Church. Gifts and food for the needy were a big focus. She and my Dad taught me generosity all year round, but Christmas had that added bit to it.

I love you, my Mary Christmas.

#TwoMinutesLove

The holly, jolly, holidays

Yesterday, as I lie on my gurney getting prepped and readied for my head zapping, the head nurse was over by the printer. She pulled off two blank sheets of paper. She jokingly asked who was printing blank paper. Well, I piped up and said that it was I and that it was my Christmas Letter. I said it sums up all that I remember about 2016. It just needed my signature.

That little ECT humor was a pretty big hit with everyone who was in the area....everyone who was fully conscious, that is.

And now for something kind of different

Watch this space for new mental health shit that may possibly happen. 

I'm looking into another type of mental health treatment. My ECT psychiatrist brought it up at my last ECT session and then he talked to my Psych NP about it. So, at Monday's appointment with my Psych NP, she brought it up. 

It is called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). I haven't done any real research on it. No matter what decision we (I include Shawn because every bit of this impacts him) make about DBT, we feel that ECT has run its course.j

As 2016 comes to an end (THANKFULLY) and we move into 2017, we'll see what plays out. 

I still manage to be phased

Here it is. Another post about my memory issues. This one is a hard one because it seems to be affecting longer term memory than just something from this year.

There is a card game that I have played for over ten years on a pretty regular basis. I played it with one of my best friends back home in CLE and then brought it to my CO life with Shawn and his parents. I have easily played it hundreds of times. It's a pretty simple card game called "Phase 10".

Thanksgiving Eve, Shawn, my in-laws, and I were playing games, as per usual. Shawn brought out "Phase 10". I looked at it and was a bit puzzled. The rest of them were puzzled by my puzzlement since we have such a long history with this game. Shawn ended up having to teach me the game. I picked it up pretty quick, but it was still troubling.

I never get used to discovering that there is something I don't remember.

Searching on and on

In the reality of my dreams, this blog was making me money and getting me book deals. Someone, somewhere, thought I was worth paying attention to and paying money to. So I wouldn't have to be dealing with the painful life's work of job searching.

Job searching sucks. I don't even know what I'm searching for. Also, I don't feel like my shit is under control. ECT seems like a failure. Meds are always being adjusted. I cry so easily. I simply can't keep emotions in check. How am I supposed to figure out this whole work thing?

Why can't I have some friends with some kind of employment connections? Why can't things be simple? Why can't the whys be answered?

2013 may still hold the record

This year has been pretty shitty. 2016 deserves a, "FUCK YOU!" without question. I, however, don't really know what I'm saying, "FUCK YOU" to thanks to ECT. I watched the season finale of "Last Week Tonight with John Oliver" during which his final segment was a variety of people explaining why 2016 really sucked. Much of what was shared were things I had no recollection of. So for me, the shittines of 2016 is that I don't remember much of 2016. My lack of memory is really disconcerting. I wish I knew how to explain just how painful it is. Even with all of this, however, I still think 2013 was the suckiest...and, maybe even 2014.

Why standing with Her was so important to me

Facebook has an "On This Day" feature in which a series of posts from previous years are collected. On Wednesday, November 9th, I was looking through the posts as I was dealing with the sadness I was experiencing based on the official Donald Trump election results. Then I came upon a post from 4 years ago about heading to the hospital for surgery. A new wave of sadness poured over me.

I had been having some trouble getting pregnant and my OB/GYN had me taking Clomid in the hopes that it would prove that my troubles weren't severe. Then, I developed what we thought was an ovarian cyst, a rather large one, but one that she could remove with a standard procedure. The size was the diameter of a soda can. So, November 9, 2012, I had it removed.

The news from the procedure turned out to be the beginning of major infertility hell. It turns out it was not a simple ovarian cyst. It was an Endometrioma; a very large, blood filled mass. My OB/GYN was shocked to discover that I had Endometriosis. She couldn't believe the severity of it and that, at 37 years old, it was just being discovered. Also, with this discovery, she realized that I needed more help with my infertility than she was able to offer with my prescription of Clomid or anything else she could do. So, lists of recommendations for fertility clinics were given to me.  

In the end, the Endometriosis won out in the fertility battle and I had to have a hysterectomy.

This anniversary being shared with Trump's victory really upset me more than the anniversary by itself. It got me thinking of my womanhood. It got me thinking about woman's healthcare. When it comes to politics and woman's healthcare, so many focus on abortion like it is the only issue a woman might face. No, it's not! We face so many things. Planned Parenthood helps women face so many of those things. Trump and conservatives want to make it about abortion; they want it to be about destroying Planned Parenthood; they want it to be more expensive for birth control; they want to fuck us over, and not in the good way.

I stood with Her and oh, how I wish she would have won!