Oh, what a mental health day....life

It's World Mental Health Day and I feel a sense of obligation to write today. I'm just not sure what to say.

Over the last two months, I feel like my mental health has been challenged, but I haven't necessarily up for the fight. I've been tired, not just sleepy, but tired in my bones, my muscles, and my ability to handle my stress and emotions. My level of frustration and guilt has lead me to extra Ativan in the hopes of easing my anxiety and the extreme nausea it brings. I feel overwhelmed about leaving next week. I desperately want to see Shawn and, of course, Jarvis. The hope I have is that they will bring me relief and calm, they will distract me from my sense of worry.

On the topic of mental health, but not really like what I've written above, my mom and I had an interesting conversation. We both suffer from mental health issues. Her meds seem to work pretty well, so perhaps I'm the one suffering. Anyway, the other day we had a conversation which is probably not a typical one for mothers and daughters. We talked about suicide. We talked about our thoughts, our ideations. One of hers was terribly violent, if you ask me. She was young, still living at home, dealing with depression in an era in which you didn't, and saw a letter opener...to shove...in her neck. It made my car crash, overdosing, car running in the garage thoughts seem really calm. For both of us, they were suicidal ideations, they weren't actual plans. We're both still here. For me, I can't exactly say why, but I am.

In the general sense of life, I am here. I am here and I am with Shawn.