Dog walking: A guest post from Shawn

Jarvis and me on a walk...

Jarvis: Hang on, I'm going to poop.
Me: Okay.
Jarvis: Okay, this is a good spot. Let me just...
Me: Hang on, don't do it there. Come over here a ways.
Jarvis: Oh, I shouldn't poop?
Me: Yes, go ahead, I just didn't want you to do it over there, right next to those people's window. Just do it over here.
Jarvis: I see, no pooping then.
Me: What? No, you can poop, just not over there. Go ahead.
Jarvis: I understand. I won't poop then.
Me: Why are you being like this? I think you're being passive-aggressive.
Jarvis: I don't know what that is. It sounds like a human thing.
Me: Are you going to poop or what?
Jarvis: No need.
Me: -sigh- Fine.

Twenty minutes later, at home...

Jarvis: Take me out, I need to poop.

***

Another walk with Jarvis...

Jarvis: GRRRRR
Me: What's the matter?
Jarvis: I hate those guys so much!
Me: Who? You mean those two dogs, that are like a block away? The ones you've never actually interacted with? You hate them?
Jarvis: SO MUCH!
Me: Why? What did they--
Jarvis: HEY ASSHOLES! YEAH, YOU! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NEVER TO COME AROUND HERE!
Me: Jarvis, they live three doors down from us.
Jarvis: DON'T ACT LIKE YOU CAN'T HEAR ME! IF I GET A HOLD OF YOU, I'M GOING TO RIP OFF YOUR HEADS AND SHOVE THEM UP EACH OTHER'S BUTTS!
Me: They're both bigger than you; I'm pretty sure they'd beat the crap out of you!
Jarvis: DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM?!?!
Me: Jesus, Jarvis, chill out! Where did that come from? Look, they're gone now, you can relax.

Jarvis: ~whine~

Me: Now what's wrong?
Jarvis: I miss those guys...