Searching

It's been a while since I've posted anything. I've had some thoughts, so it wasn't for lack of things to say. This is probably a good example of what depression can do. It wasn't that I didn't have anything to say; it was that I didn't have the will or the energy to do it.

Anyway, that's not the focus of this post.

What I'm dealing with right now isn't really a unique thing to those of us with mental health issues. I can imagine that many with chronic illnesses have a similar experience. There are certainly varying degrees.

I have come to a point where I need to find a new psychiatrist. Things have just not been working. Plus, my current doctor is no longer on our insurance, so that's a practical reason for change. Shawn and I are on the same page with needing to make a break and move on. Actually, it was time a while ago.

So, why would I stay? A psychiatrist isn't like a primary care doctor who you see for a flu shot, a cold, or a basic physical. Yes, you do have a relationship with a PCP. For someone like me, a psychiatrist is deeply involved in my life. There's a level of intimacy that I don't share with some of my family. My psychiatrist is treating what is her best guess as to what is wrong with me. It's using her notes, whatever history I have given her, and playing with combinations of medications to try to get me well.

Trying to find a new psychiatrist is stressful. It fills me with anxiety. It means finding someone I am comfortable with. It also means that I have to remind myself that just because I meet with a psychiatrist, that doesn't mean I have to make that person my new doctor. I can go through an "interview" process with them. Then, once I select the doctor I will see, I have to go back to the beginning. It's the re-telling of my story. I have to go through my medication history, which quite frankly, I don't have the best recall of that list. Whatever files the new doc get transferred to him will have my best guess as to my history. Also, what happens if this doctor looks at my current diagnosis and says, "Oh, fuck no! Not even close!"? I mean, my current doctor is the first of 4 who came up with a bipolar depressing diagnosis. Where the others wrong? Will the new doc agree? There is no blood test to diagnose these things. If the new doctor disagrees with the diagnosis or the medications, that means a pretty significant change. Changes in medications are difficult. The side effects can be so horrible and it can take a few weeks to even know if the drugs are working. So, you may suffer through some side effects, which may wane after your body adjusts, only to have the medication proof to be in effective. It's a lot of work physically and mentally.

And that is why it sometimes seems better to stay put.