#Activism

I've heard a few criticisms of what some have labeled, "hashtag activism." It's centered around the belief that it is a passive, lazy way to do something about an issue. So, I started to think about it and come to my own conclusion about it.

For me, I find some Facebook status posts to "Raise Awareness About Breast Cancer" to be less awareness-raising than some hashtags I've followed on Twitter. When someone posts a color or a location on Facebook with no other explanation, I cringe. When the person is asked what it's about it turns out that it is the color of the bra being worn or where the purse is sitting, respectively. So, when the "WTF?s" start rolling in, the answer is something like, "It's a game for Breast Cancer Awareness and you post the color of your bra or the place you put your purse."

Um, and what is this really doing for cancer awareness? And, do people really need to be made "aware of breast cancer"? I mean, I'm pretty sure at this point in the game, people are in the know about it. Wouldn't posting reminders to friends to do monthly exams; to schedule mammograms; and to see the gynecologist for regular checks do more for awareness? Or, how about posting links to places to donate money to research? Maybe encourage friends to donate their hair from their next haircut to organizations who make wigs for patients? I even know people who participate in different fundraising activities like races and walks for which they collect sponsors, so there's another option.    

From what I've seen of hashtag use, it gets people thinking, talking, and/or researching the topic from the get-go. The hashtag isn't tweeted on it's own, with no other content like the bra color or the purse location. People usually make a statement on the topic. Sometimes a link accompanies it. But, if all goes right, the hashtag trends and brings the topic to more people, like #YesAllWomen did in light of the Santa Barbara shootings last weekend.

Hey, if someone like Rush Limbaugh criticizes it, I tend to think it must be something done right.

Spinning my wheels

My husband and I just returned home after a visit to see my family in C-Town. This trip opened my eyes about some things and the return drive gave me more than enough time to think. A lot of time on the road turns into a lot of time in my head...A LOT OF TIME.

Here is a list:

• It is hard for me to accept that my need to visit isn't always as important to those I would like to see. My youngest nieces still get excited about my visits. It's so awesome to pull in the driveway and have three little girls waiting up to see you. Some of the other kids are older and have really active lives so excitement about me coming has waned with time. I went out to eat with some of the family and one of the older kids didn't even say two words to me or Shawn. This was heartbreaking for me. 
• The ache and longing for a child doesn't get easier. 
• It was great to be able to see a different side of talent in one of my older nieces. We were able to see her perform with her a cappella group. My usually experience of her non-academic life is to see her play hockey and soccer.
• I need to suck-it-up and schedule my hysterectomy. The discomfort from the endometrioma is becoming more frequent.
• The full break-up with retail work needs to happen. 
• I'm getting closer to 40 years old everyday and something's got to give. 
• I love my family and friends and good food and laughter.

So, that's that and now back to my regularly scheduled schedule.

Attempting to explain the unexplainable

UPDATE: I mentioned, throughout this post, the phrases “committed suicide” and “commit suicide”. In the years since this post I’ve come to understand that that’s not the way to explain the death. Things like “death by suicide “ or “suicide death” are more acceptable.

I haven't posted in awhile, but have thought about it many times. Many things have weighed on my mind, but I had no real words to put to all of them. However, life and all it's happenings have brought me to this point.

The month of May started off in a low place. Friday morning I got a call from my mom telling me that my cousin's ex-husband had committed suicide. It was quite surreal and stunned me. I immediately thought of his three sons and wishing it wasn't a part of life they now had to face.

In no way will I pretend to know what they are going through. Also, I wish not to speculate as to their father's reasons. I have brought up my thoughts on no one knowing the absolute truth of someone else's journey.

People have said that suicide is a selfish act and it leaves people behind with questions which cannot be answered. I can understand people having that perspective. Actually, I probably thought it at some point; and, if I was more closely connected to someone who committed suicide, I might have those thoughts again.

My own view of this comes from an understanding of the darkness. The darkness is not rational; it doesn't allow for clear answers to questions loved ones ask. When the darkness sets in, it creeps into the mind and then clouds its ability to see life clearly. It can make you feel like a burden to those around you; feel like your darkness is causing them pain, too.

Obviously, I'm alive to write this post. I have, so far, managed to keep my depression in check enough to not actually attempt anything. Others deserve the credit for that more then me; my mom saving me 11 years ago by making me get out of bed and taking me to see a psychiatrist; my medications; my psychiatrist; my therapist; and Shawn. However, even with all of those people and things, depression is very much a struggle I have to face.  I have feelings of failure and weakness because I haven't been able to conquer the monster of depression; haven't been able to come off meds; haven't figured out how to stave off anxiety attacks; haven't learned how to shut-off my mind. I have wished to no longer exist, I cannot deny that. For me, though, that has really been as far as it has gone.

I just feel like I can't judge those who commit suicide because I understand the darkness and despair that can overtake someone. I have learned not to expect rational answers to questions about what someone has done when he/she couldn't be further from a rational state-of-mind.

I'm not sure what to even call this

I haven't posted in a while. In my head, I have written quite a bit...or thought about writing quite a bit. I've been in a dark place and writing would probably have been a good outlet for working through it. But, a good outlet for me may not be a good read for some.

In the last few weeks, my anxiety has manifested more than usual. Sometimes I can tell if there is a potential for an anxiety attack to arise. Other times, it's like BAM! out of nowhere. One of the recent ones happened without a trigger that I can pinpoint. During my freak-out, Jarvis was on the couch next to me. As I'm sobbing and on the verge of hyperventilating, he lifts his head, looks at me, and starts to whimper. Seeing him respond this way made me feel bad on top of everything else. Ativan was a must to bring me back to some semblance of calm.

The day after that, I almost lost it out in public. How I managed to avoid being curled-up-in-a-ball-weeping-in-a-corner is still a mystery to me. I was at the post-office to send off some paperwork. I was addressing the envelope and when I went to put my address on it, I started writing but knew it wasn't right. I forgot my address! 39 years old and couldn't remember where I lived. This scared me; I couldn't figure out what was happening to me. What was I going to do? Where was I going to find my address? Would I have to call Shawn? That wouldn't be embarrassing at all; "Hi, how's your day going? So, can you tell me what our address is?" At no point did I think to look at the paperwork I was sending off which had my address on it. I did think about my wallet, but not my driver's license. My thought about my wallet was my credit cards, but, they don't have addresses on them. FINALLY, after running all these things through my mind, I remembered that my address was on my driver's license and my license was in my wallet. I'm sure this was all a matter of seconds, but it felt like forever!!! I could feel my heart racing and the beginnings of a lump in my throat, but I kept it together enough to not make a scene. Oh, by the way, I had the numbers of my address right, just not in the right order. It was all jumbled.

I didn't have a purse at the post office and didn't have any Ativan on me. I now have Ativan in a pillbox on my person if I'm not home. My therapist and psychiatrist both made a point of telling me to make sure I have some with me because an attack can happen anywhere.

In addition to realizing I should keep Ativan with me, I also know that not taking care of my thyroid can also contribute to my recent long-stretch of darkness. Long story short, I was out of thyroid meds and should have done something to take care of the situation, but I didn't take action soon enough. I ended up without my Synthroid for a month or so. So, even with a low dose of Synthroid and a borderline hypothyroidism, it was not okay to just stop the meds. I didn't think the result would be so dramatic and now I know.

And so that's how things have been.

"What's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing?"

Not that long ago, I heard a woman talking about her little girl. She was saying that her daughter had gotten a new hat. The hat had a flower on it and the little girl put it on with the flower on the left. It seems the woman told the little girl the flower was supposed to be on the right (I guess there was a tag and a seam that indicated this). The little girl said that she knew, but she liked it better her way.

I've been thinking about this scenario. Did it really matter if the flower was on the left or right? In the world we live in, this little girl will be trying to fit someone else's idea of fashion and style soon enough. So, why not just let her have this hat?

There's a Target next door to my work and I go with a co-worker for coffee at the Starbucks that is in it. Often, mothers come in with small children. Sometimes it brings a smile to my face when I see the kids who obviously were allowed to dress themselves. I want to give a shout-out to those moms because they are letting their kids be free. Now, I'm not saying they should have an anything-goes tolerance of the outfits chosen. If the temperature dictates a need for a coat or absolutely no need for a coat, they should step in or if the important parts aren't covered. You know, still fulfilling the role of responsible parent. But, if the flower is on the wrong side; the stripes clash with the polka dots; the bath towel needs to be pinned on as a cape; let it happen.

Maybe, just maybe, these kids will grow-up stronger and more self-assured. Perhaps they will continue to be free.

Will it ever stop hurting?

This weekend marks a year since discovering our IVF treatment didn't work.  I probably wouldn't be able to forget it, but given that it happened a few days before my birthday, I can't forget.  Just like, if it would have worked, the baby would have come around Christmas.  So, the gifts I wanted for 2013 didn't come, and won't come in 2014, or 2015, or...

I never have a day during which I don't think of my infertility at least once.  This dreaded anniversary has just made it more front and center.

This morning, I took Jarvis on a walk.  Shawn and I have come to refer to each other as mommy and daddy when we talk to him.  I said something like, "Jarvis, you need to listen to mommy when I tell you to drop it."  At that moment, I realized, I will never hear the voice of a small child call me "Mommy."

I have had so many thoughts about my infertility; so many moments of heartbreak.  Today's was just a new version.

"Lovely Spaaam! Wonderful Spaaam!" *

I've been lax on blog posting, which makes me feel guilty, which gives me anxiety, which depresses me...Anyway, it's a whole messy cycle, so on to other things.

I got this in an email and it amused me, so here it is for all of you to enjoy:

!!! How To Get Your husband Back & Avoid Divorce !!!


Hello to every one out here,I am Latisha Allen,From united states of America.I will start by saying to all that have experience heart break and also cant do with out there lover should please stop here and read up my story, So as you will know how to go solving or getting your ex back from this spell caster..AND AGAIN I WILL WANT TO ALSO TELL ALL THAT THIS SPELL CASTER I WILL WANT TO TELL THE WHOLE WORLD ABOUT IS HARMLESS AND DO NOT HAVE ANY SIDE EFFECT, BUT TO RESTORE AND GIVE YOU BACK WHAT YOU DESERVE, COS WHEN I MEET WITH THIS SPELL CASTER THAT WAS INTRODUCED TO ME BY THE WIFE OF MY BOSS IN MY WORKING PLACE, HE MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE CAN CAST SPELL ON SO MANY OTHER PROBLEMS EXCEPT IN GETTING YOUR EX OR MAKING YOUR LOVER TO LOVE YOU MORE THAT WILL SUITE YOU. Last year December, My lover was cheating on me and was not also give me the attention that a man should give to a woman,And really that was troubling my mind and tearing my heart apart to the extent that i was not concentrating in the office the way i use to before the break up by my lover.And before that incident,I always see how my boss use to love his wife so much. I was binging to think that i was not doing the right thing to him that will make him love me forever,So i really gathered my courage and went to my boss wife office to ask her the secret that made her husband love her so dearly,In the first place she refused in telling me,She asked me why i am asking her such a question,That if is it not normal for every man to love his wife.I told her the reason that made me ask her about this question,That my lover started cheating on me lately,When i knelt down before her for her to see my seriousness in this issue that i went to ask her,She opened up to me by telling me that i should not tell anybody about what she want to tell me,The wife to my boss started to say to me that she used a very powerful spell on his husband to love her,And the spell that she used is harmless, But the spell is just to make him love her and never to look for any other woman except her. I QUICKLY ASK HER HOW DID SHE GET TO KNOW THIS GREAT,POWER,DURABLE AND PERFECT WORK SPELL CASTER,she said that a friend of hers also introduce her to him. Then i also ask her how i can meet with this spell caster.SHE SAID EVERYTHING TO ME,THAT THE NAME OF THIS SPELL CASTER IS Dr BRAVE.My next question to her was how can i get this wonderful spell caster,She said she is going to give me the email of the spell caster for me to contact him for my problem,Really she gave to me this spell caster email and i contacted him and explained all to him,And after every thing that needed to be done by the spell caster, In the next two days, My lover that hated me so much came to house begging for forgiveness and i was so glad that i have finally gotten my heart desire..I was so grateful to this spell caster for what he has done for my life.. So i made a promise to him that i will always continue telling the world about his wonderful work towards me and also to other that came to you before and also the people that will also get to you from my story that i narrated online now..I will want to say to the entire world that you should not cry over noting again, That there is a great man that has been helping individuals to restore there Joy and smile in there faces !! The direct email to get this man is bravespellcaster@gmail.com CONTACT HIM NOW THE BETTER FOR YOU TO GET QUICK SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS...

*Thank you, Monty Python, for the perfect lyrics to use as a title for this blog post.