Saturday, March 22, 2014

Will it ever stop hurting?

This weekend marks a year since discovering our IVF treatment didn't work.  I probably wouldn't be able to forget it, but given that it happened a few days before my birthday, I can't forget.  Just like, if it would have worked, the baby would have come around Christmas.  So, the gifts I wanted for 2013 didn't come, and won't come in 2014, or 2015, or...

I never have a day during which I don't think of my infertility at least once.  This dreaded anniversary has just made it more front and center.

This morning, I took Jarvis on a walk.  Shawn and I have come to refer to each other as mommy and daddy when we talk to him.  I said something like, "Jarvis, you need to listen to mommy when I tell you to drop it."  At that moment, I realized, I will never hear the voice of a small child call me "Mommy."

I have had so many thoughts about my infertility; so many moments of heartbreak.  Today's was just a new version.

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