Thursday, March 17, 2016

Memory block

So, one of the side effects of ECT is some memory loss. If I could select what would be permanently erased, it would be:
  • The Liam Neeson/Claire Danes version of "Les Miserables"
  • "Lost"
  • The series finale of "Dexter"
  • Stupid, embarrassing things I've said and done (I don't mean the ones with important lessons attached)
  • The George W. Bush administration
  • This election year, including the post-ECT parts
Seriously, though, what I really wish it could do is completely wipe out all of the fertility stuff.  All of it; every ultra sound; every injection; every internal exam, etc. And, most of all, the desire to have had a baby. The internal ache I feel about the emptiness. The conversations and questions and advice from people about all the other ways I can become a parent. The guilt those conversations make me feel because it feels like judgment cast upon me. Judging me as selfish for wanting to have a baby that was biologically mine with Shawn and carried by me and birthed by me. All of this is the memory loss I would choose. It's what I wish the electrodes could sense and erase.

The memory loss, though, is not the kind of eraser that I'd like. It's more of a short term loss. Like, I might forget how to get to the Safeway for a minute. Or, some of the longer term things could be somewhat fuzzy. It's rare for there to be significant loss, so, I'll still have to deal with all that baby shit...and not the kind in a diaper.

No comments:

Post a Comment