Monday, March 21, 2016

Another year, another tear (who'm I kidding, a bunch of tears)

I'm in the midst of one of the worst weeks of the year for me (the other is around Christmas/my would-be due date). My birthday week brings with it the anniversary of failed fertility treatments. Some of you may be thinking, "Ugh, this again. Get over it." And, I get that; I have those thoughts sometimes myself. BUT, I can't get over it. For whatever reason, it sticks with me and it always will be a part of my reality.

This week marks 3 years; three years that the bleeding started that marked the failure of the embryos to successfully attach to my uterus. It marks the failure of all that we put into the entire process.

ECT won't take this away.

The other day, I saw something with a woman who had a baby talking to another woman who hadn't had a baby yet. She told her about how you think you are in love with your husband before you have kids. She then said that that feeling of love is nothing compared to how in love you will be with your husband once you have a baby together. This hit me really hard. I know, I'm a hot mess and a lot of things get to me, but that is how I am. It hit me because it got me thinking about my love with Shawn. We will never have a baby together. Does this mean our love is stuck at some base level? Am I unable to maximize my love for him because of this?

Yes, this woman's view of love and becoming parents and whatever shouldn't carry this kind of weight for me. It shouldn't, like a lot of shouldn'ts in my life, but it does.

Maybe ECT can help take this away.

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