This medication roller-coaster is getting old. I've gone from 80 mg of Paxil to 60 mg and holding. A trip home halted the taper so that I wasn't changing again while gone. This was wise, I guess, because I lost my shit in a REALLY big way making it the worst trip home in the 10 years since I've lived away.
Anyway, a few more days until my next appointment.
I'm in a dark place.
Maybe Wednesday will bring light.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Thursday, August 13, 2015
This ride may get bumpy
After more months than it should have taken, I got around to seeing a new psychiatrist (actually a psychiatric nurse practitioner). My first appointment was this week and lasted about an hour and a half. Shawn was with me, which was so great. I still had pretty intense anxiety about this new start, but Shawn's presence certainly helped.
This doctor wants Shawn there for the first few appointments. She thinks it's important to gain insights from his observations of me (poor guy). I also thought this was a really good idea. I've actually thought about it before, with other doctors. Also, a lot of it can be overwhelming and I'm a slow processor, so he can help me with all of that.
Looking at the history of my meds and results of an brief activity she had Shawn and me do, she suspects that I may have been being treated for the wrong condition all this time. Her suspicion is that I'm not dealing with chronic depression that SSRIs will successfully help. So, now the tapering begins. I'll be weaning off Paxil for the next few weeks.
What happens after that? Right now, the plan is working in lithium. Why lithium? Well, it's a classic. It's had some staying power. But, also because she thinks that I'm really a rider on the bipolar-coaster.
Bipolar depression. There it is. I'm still processing this whole thing. Obviously, she can't say this with absolute certainty after the one appointment, but that's kind of how the whole thing works; a lot of trial and error with medications. At first, I didn't think her suspicions of bipolar depression was something that bothered me. I have to admit, though, that it is weirding me out a bit. The stigma around various mental health issues is something that has bothered me. But, I guess that was easier for me when I thought I was just simply "depressed." So ridiculous, I know. Obviously, I have my own taboo issues about some of the other mental illness diagnoses that reflect the presence of that stigma within myself.
Big bonus points to this psychiatrist for having an adorable, 11-month old, Black Mouth Cur puppy. It's really nice to just see her and pet her (the puppy, not the doctor, just to be clear).
This doctor wants Shawn there for the first few appointments. She thinks it's important to gain insights from his observations of me (poor guy). I also thought this was a really good idea. I've actually thought about it before, with other doctors. Also, a lot of it can be overwhelming and I'm a slow processor, so he can help me with all of that.
Looking at the history of my meds and results of an brief activity she had Shawn and me do, she suspects that I may have been being treated for the wrong condition all this time. Her suspicion is that I'm not dealing with chronic depression that SSRIs will successfully help. So, now the tapering begins. I'll be weaning off Paxil for the next few weeks.
What happens after that? Right now, the plan is working in lithium. Why lithium? Well, it's a classic. It's had some staying power. But, also because she thinks that I'm really a rider on the bipolar-coaster.
Bipolar depression. There it is. I'm still processing this whole thing. Obviously, she can't say this with absolute certainty after the one appointment, but that's kind of how the whole thing works; a lot of trial and error with medications. At first, I didn't think her suspicions of bipolar depression was something that bothered me. I have to admit, though, that it is weirding me out a bit. The stigma around various mental health issues is something that has bothered me. But, I guess that was easier for me when I thought I was just simply "depressed." So ridiculous, I know. Obviously, I have my own taboo issues about some of the other mental illness diagnoses that reflect the presence of that stigma within myself.
Big bonus points to this psychiatrist for having an adorable, 11-month old, Black Mouth Cur puppy. It's really nice to just see her and pet her (the puppy, not the doctor, just to be clear).
Friday, August 7, 2015
We did it our way
You make the guest list and understand that feelings will be hurt; resentments will be felt, and, down the road, you may look back and think some changes should have been made. You can't invite everyone (unless you have the most amazing budget ever), so lines have to be drawn. You two get to draw those lines.
Each and every step of the way is for you TWO to decide. Yes, the two of you. It should never be only about one of you. If one of you doesn't have strong preferences, you should still be in the loop. Compromises may have to be made, but if you can't make them regarding the day of your wedding, you may have trouble with the ones required by the actual marriage.
Make your wedding authentically yours. That is what you want your memories to be and compliments about it being "so you guys" and "awesome" and "one of the best" will let you know you succeeded.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Unhappy Anniversery
Today marks a year since my hysterectomy. I feel like these posts "Thoughts-ectomy" and "Things still aren't what they're supposed" aren't really far from how I still feel today.
I had the distraction of work and a long nap to keep me from having to think about this day too much.
Hey, but I'm a year without a period, so there's that.
I had the distraction of work and a long nap to keep me from having to think about this day too much.
Hey, but I'm a year without a period, so there's that.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Some pocket change
So many thoughts and opinions. Let's get this post-y started!
GAY MARRIAGE
SCOTUS got this one right, for sure...well, enough of SCOTUS got it right to make it so all 50 states have to allow gay marriage. I'm glad my friends cannot only get married, but now that marriage has to be recognized no matter where they go in the U.S.
So far, my marriage hasn't been destroyed because of this. So far, none of my liberal counterparts, well, whom I'm aware of, have started on a campaign for the right to marry animals. It may be too soon to tell, though.
I don't understand when people make the leap from gay marriage to bestiality. Is gay marriage really the gateway to that? For me, I would think a push for legalizing polygamy would come before human-animal marriage. If bestiality is the first thing coming to your mind, you may want to get that checked out.
COURAGE
I will openly state that the "T" portion of the LGBT community has always been a struggle for me to understand. My real life experiences with transgenders have not always been my proudest moments. With the birth of Caitlyn Jenner, I've really found myself trying to get a better view. I still have the then Bruce Jenner interview with Diane Sawyer saved on the DVR because I feel like it is something I can go back to and learn more, gain more understanding. I'm not sure what makes me feel so uncomfortable with this subject, but I know I want to work on that.
In 1993, ESPN started an awards program, Excellence in Sports Performance Yearly Award (ESPY). This year, Caitlyn Jenner was selected to receive the Arthur Ashe Courage Award. I have had a vague awareness of this awards program. Basically, I knew it had to do with sports and ESPN. I couldn't tell you the categories, the names of winners, the time of year it airs. I honestly think most people didn't have much of a clue about them, either. It seems like ESPN viewers who are hardcore fans of sports were probably those who knew the details. That is, until this year.
The 2015 ceremony was moved to broadcast television. Between the move to ABC and Caitlyn Jenner being selected for a courage based award, all kinds of people became aware of the ESPYs and started to care who was getting what award. I even wonder how many people even have a clue who Arthur Ashe was (which is a shame because he did some big deal things).
So, getting back to the topic of courage. One of the things social media and the internet in general is good for is being a means to spew hate. Courage is one of those subjects for which everyone has an opinion and definition. I think everyone can think of someone to deem courageous. We can always argue that one person as better than another, but honestly, that is a pissing match that is hard for anyone to win. There can be more than one type of situation requiring courage and even more people to embody it. This award is given each year to one person, one person out of all those who are also deserving. You try picking just one person WITHOUT someone somewhere arguing that someone else deserved it more.
Thankfully, the world wide web does other things well. It helps me see that some people are using it to show the kind side of humanity. Things like this image that I've been seeing shared all over social media:
GAY MARRIAGE
SCOTUS got this one right, for sure...well, enough of SCOTUS got it right to make it so all 50 states have to allow gay marriage. I'm glad my friends cannot only get married, but now that marriage has to be recognized no matter where they go in the U.S.
So far, my marriage hasn't been destroyed because of this. So far, none of my liberal counterparts, well, whom I'm aware of, have started on a campaign for the right to marry animals. It may be too soon to tell, though.
I don't understand when people make the leap from gay marriage to bestiality. Is gay marriage really the gateway to that? For me, I would think a push for legalizing polygamy would come before human-animal marriage. If bestiality is the first thing coming to your mind, you may want to get that checked out.
COURAGE
I will openly state that the "T" portion of the LGBT community has always been a struggle for me to understand. My real life experiences with transgenders have not always been my proudest moments. With the birth of Caitlyn Jenner, I've really found myself trying to get a better view. I still have the then Bruce Jenner interview with Diane Sawyer saved on the DVR because I feel like it is something I can go back to and learn more, gain more understanding. I'm not sure what makes me feel so uncomfortable with this subject, but I know I want to work on that.
In 1993, ESPN started an awards program, Excellence in Sports Performance Yearly Award (ESPY). This year, Caitlyn Jenner was selected to receive the Arthur Ashe Courage Award. I have had a vague awareness of this awards program. Basically, I knew it had to do with sports and ESPN. I couldn't tell you the categories, the names of winners, the time of year it airs. I honestly think most people didn't have much of a clue about them, either. It seems like ESPN viewers who are hardcore fans of sports were probably those who knew the details. That is, until this year.
The 2015 ceremony was moved to broadcast television. Between the move to ABC and Caitlyn Jenner being selected for a courage based award, all kinds of people became aware of the ESPYs and started to care who was getting what award. I even wonder how many people even have a clue who Arthur Ashe was (which is a shame because he did some big deal things).
So, getting back to the topic of courage. One of the things social media and the internet in general is good for is being a means to spew hate. Courage is one of those subjects for which everyone has an opinion and definition. I think everyone can think of someone to deem courageous. We can always argue that one person as better than another, but honestly, that is a pissing match that is hard for anyone to win. There can be more than one type of situation requiring courage and even more people to embody it. This award is given each year to one person, one person out of all those who are also deserving. You try picking just one person WITHOUT someone somewhere arguing that someone else deserved it more.
Thankfully, the world wide web does other things well. It helps me see that some people are using it to show the kind side of humanity. Things like this image that I've been seeing shared all over social media:
And, there's also this perspective which states things better than I just tried to do.
UGH! This is longer and more poorly written than I had planned, but I'm posting anyway. Apologies for the randomness and disjointed nature of this post. I'll try for better work next time.
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Sometimes my head has too much in it
It's been a long stretch without a blog post. I've been having a lot of anxiety issues and it has been overwhelming. So, this stretch of silence isn't for lack of things to say. I'm trying to get things on track and hope to have some posts soon.
Monday, April 13, 2015
Why we can't have nice things
If anyone, anyone at all asks why we can't have nice things, the answer is assholes. Assholes who have no regard for people's personal nice things and for public nice things.
I will admit to having had my asshole moments. Back when I was a smoker, I would flick my butts out the window of my car or stamp them out on the ground. I didn't really think much of it. The idea of those things as littering never occurred to me. The more I walk Jarvis around the neighborhood and through parks the more I notice litter, including cigarette butts. I don't get it. Assholes, however, don't seem to notice or care how it takes away from the niceness of the neighborhood or park. They are just selfish, lazy assholes.
The asshole factor revealed itself in a different way when my husband shared an article with me. "Fans" of "Breaking Bad" have been throwing pizzas on the roof of the house filmed in an episode. The people, an older couple, who actually live in the house have had to deal with these assholes thinking that their home is fair game for idiotic assholery. If you go to the link for the actual article, you can read the show's creator Vince Gilligan's response to this specific type of asshole.
The United States exported some assholes in the form of tourists to Italy. One California asshole chick is like, "Woo-hoo! Let's take a selfie at the Colosseum." The other CA asshole expands on that with, "Wait, wait. You know what would take this selfie to the next level? Carving our initials in one of the walls and then posting it online!!!" Who the fuck are these people? Who thinks this is okay? Seriously, taking a selfie wasn't enough for them? They get busted and say, “We did not imagine it was something so serious.” Really? REALLY? REALLY?
Last month a story was making its way around the news and the web. The story involved assholes who are raising potential assholes. Among all the historical memorials in Washington, D.C. is the Vietnam Women's Memorial. Photos were popping up showing a couple of small girls climbing all over it. This sparked a debate as to whether this was disrespectful or not. I think the small girls were innocent of disrespect. They probably have climbed around on statutes at libraries and playgrounds that are kid friendly. The real assholes in this situation are the parents. Asshole parents are a special kind of asshole. Assholery doesn't have to be passed on to the children. I don't think, at least I really hope, that there isn't an asshole gene. I want to believe that this event hitting the internet and the news will snap the parents out of their asshole ways and teach the girls not to become assholes themselves.
Don't be an asshole and fight the asshole powers that be!
I will admit to having had my asshole moments. Back when I was a smoker, I would flick my butts out the window of my car or stamp them out on the ground. I didn't really think much of it. The idea of those things as littering never occurred to me. The more I walk Jarvis around the neighborhood and through parks the more I notice litter, including cigarette butts. I don't get it. Assholes, however, don't seem to notice or care how it takes away from the niceness of the neighborhood or park. They are just selfish, lazy assholes.
The asshole factor revealed itself in a different way when my husband shared an article with me. "Fans" of "Breaking Bad" have been throwing pizzas on the roof of the house filmed in an episode. The people, an older couple, who actually live in the house have had to deal with these assholes thinking that their home is fair game for idiotic assholery. If you go to the link for the actual article, you can read the show's creator Vince Gilligan's response to this specific type of asshole.
The United States exported some assholes in the form of tourists to Italy. One California asshole chick is like, "Woo-hoo! Let's take a selfie at the Colosseum." The other CA asshole expands on that with, "Wait, wait. You know what would take this selfie to the next level? Carving our initials in one of the walls and then posting it online!!!" Who the fuck are these people? Who thinks this is okay? Seriously, taking a selfie wasn't enough for them? They get busted and say, “We did not imagine it was something so serious.” Really? REALLY? REALLY?
Last month a story was making its way around the news and the web. The story involved assholes who are raising potential assholes. Among all the historical memorials in Washington, D.C. is the Vietnam Women's Memorial. Photos were popping up showing a couple of small girls climbing all over it. This sparked a debate as to whether this was disrespectful or not. I think the small girls were innocent of disrespect. They probably have climbed around on statutes at libraries and playgrounds that are kid friendly. The real assholes in this situation are the parents. Asshole parents are a special kind of asshole. Assholery doesn't have to be passed on to the children. I don't think, at least I really hope, that there isn't an asshole gene. I want to believe that this event hitting the internet and the news will snap the parents out of their asshole ways and teach the girls not to become assholes themselves.
Don't be an asshole and fight the asshole powers that be!
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