I ordered all by myself

I posted on Facebook about how I successfully ordered my food at Qdoba without having to check with Shawn. It seems like a silly thing that I may have been goofing around about. But, I have struggled with remembering something that minor. I believe it is just more effects of my ECT treatments. My brain is just fucked up in different ways.

We are coming up on 3 years since my treatments began. I talk about it probably more than people think I should. Oh well, come back to me when you've gone through it.

I had some curiosity about numbers. I wondered what the average number of treatments is. Basically found a range and the high end was 20. Three times a week seemed the norm, so we're looking at 6 weeks plus a couple days. I had double 20 treatments.

39 Treatments

I was looking through my paperwork and found 39 treatments, so that could be more if we misplaced any. I started out at 3 times a week for a couple months and then slowly spread things out. Then, Shawn finally said it was enough; things weren't changing. I went along with him since I really couldn't gauge things very well for myself. If he wasn't seeing changes, I trusted him. Through it all, I do remember the end. I remember the doctor telling us he disagreed with our decision.

So, my memory is a hot mess. Before, during, and after all the treatments, I've lost some things. I've lost a lot of things. Some things have come back, some things are fuzzy, and, so far, those things are still quite outnumbered by the losses.

UPDATE: I found another sheet from a treatment. So, it's 40 treatments.

Mother may I?

It's been over a month since my last post. I wasn't sure if I would continue, and, quite frankly, I'm still not sure. So, for what's worth, here's a new entry and maybe the last.

These days, as a liberal, I'm not sure what I'm allowed to watch, who I'm allowed to be entertained by. 

Last night, Shawn and I saw The Upside. It wasn't high on our list of movies to see; not really a type we go to, but it was $5 ticket night and it wasn't something really heady, so we went. I thought that maybe I wasn't supposed to see it because of stuff Kevin Hart said. All I really knew was that he said something about how he's not a gay ally or something along those lines. I thought that wasn't a huge deal. I mean, not being an ally doesn't mean you are terrible, does it? Isn't just about staying out of it? I did a check-in on Facebook about seeing the movie and a friend, who happens to be gay, made a comment saying, "Ew." I chickened out about responding because I thought he was probably calling me out about Kevin Hart. I looked into things more by googling Kevin Hart. He said some pretty shitty, homophobic things.

This kind of thing has me wondering what I should do about the entertainment choices I make. I honestly don't know. Can I watch things that a person made before I learned of the terrible things they have done? Can I watch The Usual Suspects in light of knowing that Kevin Spacey has been charged with felony sexual assault? Louis C.K. was a favorite of our family, but now I can't stand him and don't want to listen to his stand-up. When tweets are dredged up from the past by a conservative group even though the tweets had already been acknowledged and apologized for by James Gunn mean he should never been given a job again? 

When I was in high school, my older brother said he would never see a Whoopi Goldberg movie because she admitted to having had abortions. I told him that if that's the case, there are probably others whose movies he should not see. So, if I said that from a liberal point-of-view speaking to a conservative, should I say that same thing as a liberal to a confused liberal?

Life was easier when my parents told me what a could and could not watch. 

Shit happens

Today on "Meg and Jarvis Take A Walk" I think is the most bizarre experience I have ever had while walking Jarvis. We were walking along a path between a couple small fields. He was sniffing around, as dogs are wont to do, and took interest in a stick. He hasn't really acted on his stick addiction in a very long time. I let him sniff awhile. Then, he did a really weird thing. He put his ear to the ground as if trying to detect a train coming. With his head down, he was smelling the stick. Then, just as I realize it is not a stick, but rather the longest straight piece of shit I have every seen, he goes for a full on roll on the ground as if he was in a pile of snow. I tugged him away. Thankfully, it was a completely petrified log of poo. He managed not to get any of it on him. I checked him for any signs of it and only found some dried leaves. Someone will still be getting a bath. 🤦‍♀️

#TwoMinutesLove 2018 Edition

November 1st:

I'm going to give this a shot again this year. Inspired by Shawn's flip of 1984's Two Minutes Hate into Two Minutes Love, I will attempt a positive post each day.

What was great about today? Holding a newborn. His fingers wrapping around one of mine. The soft skin that, no matter how much lotion I use, I will never have again. His funny faces as he deals with gas, pooping, and just the overall newness of it all. The wrinkles in his forehead when his eyebrows go up inquisitively. Or, when his eyebrows furrow like something has him mad. The way he was fighting sleep as if it was the greatest fight of his couple weeks of life.

With the world the way it is, everyone should hold a baby for at least a little while.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 2nd:

I was struggling with what today's post would be, which is sad, considering it's only day two. Then, something showed up in my news feed and I had something to say.

In college, I worked at the Perkins in the suburb where I grew up. One of the cooks, Keith, and I got along pretty well. I can still picture his disgusting, grease covered, baseball cap. We worked together pretty often because he was one of the head night cooks and I was often the closer on weeknights.

We would have super deep discussions. He challenged my way of thought. He appreciated books and classics. We went to see Kenneth Branagh's Hamlet when it came out --- all 4 hours of it.

Life went on and we lost touch. Thanks to Facebook, we were able to be in touch. And now, thanks to Facebook, I found out he died this week. He died much too soon. We still had so many challenging discussions and posts left to do. He may be gone now, but he certainly touched my life.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 3rd:

Today's is short. Colorado can have such amazing skies. There bright blue, cloudless ones. There are the yellow, orange, purple skies of sunrises and sunsets. Storms do their share to add to the array. Then there are the skies with a unique twist of combing types. It's never boring and we're very lucky out here.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 4th:

Oh Mila, what laughter you bring to my life.

Mila has been making videos for quite some time in her short life. They are typically done by her teenage sister - scripts, filming, editing, etc. I find them to be so funny, most of the time. She has a twin sister, Emma, who wasn't really into the whole thing. Now, though, she has started to join in and they have a YouTube channel.

If you need a laugh, watch the videos and find some others over on YouTube.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 5th:

As far as I’m concerned, our refrigerator is full of awesome. Our magnet collection is huge! But, I just want to focus on the art masterpieces that have a special place in my heart, as well as the fridge. Some from my nieces, some from when Conner was little, a Valentine I made when I was little and John Blanche sent me, and a Yoda from a little girl thanking me for prints I sent her. They brighten our kitchen in a special way. 

#TwoMinutesLove

November 6th:

The reasons I exercise my right to vote are because of the struggle of so many to earn it for me. Elections may be divisive, but the right still belongs to all who register.

"Amendment XV Right to Vote Not Denied by Race. The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of race, color, or previous condition of servitude. The Congress shall have the power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation."

"Amendment XIX. The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any state on account of sex. Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation."

"The Voting Rights Act of 1965, signed into law by President Lyndon B. Johnson, aimed to overcome legal barriers at the state and local levels that prevented African Americans from exercising their right to vote as guaranteed under the 15th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution."

#TwoMinutesLove

November 7th:

So, I need to try to focus on the good that came of yesterday's election results. There is a pretty long list of firsts that came out of the results.

Openly Gay Governor
Lesbian Mother to Congress
Muslim Women to Congress
First Native American Women to Congress
First Female Senator from Tennessee
First Female Senator from Arizona
First Hispanic Woman to Congress from Texas
First Woman Governor in South Dakota

There are so many positives to focus on in the midst of it all.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 8th:

In today's memories feed, a video from 3 years ago that one of my cousins posted popped up. I was really hoping to post the video, but I'm not able to.

One of my cousins is Monica (Monie, as my uncle called her). She has Down Syndrome and is blind. Completely blind from having to have both eyes removed due to medical conditions. She'll be 54 this month. So, at the time of the video she was about 51.

For as long as I can remember, swimming has been a huge part of Monica's life. It could be in Lake Erie; a swimming pool; in the lake at the campground where the family's RV was; absolutely anywhere.

The video is her in a swim competition. Totally unable to see while swimming a race. Think about that. Trying to keep in your lane while blind when others have goggles to help keep their eyes open.

The video isn't long. The race was one pool length. She came in second place. She bobs up and down with one arm in the air, "I DID IT!!! I DID IT!!!" and hugs and wraps her legs around the aid that was in the pool with her.

I watch it and it chokes me up. Not because of Monica's disabilities, but because of what she accomplished. Because, in her finishing, she expressed such a sense of pure jubilation. I think getting to that wall, whether she placed or not, was all she really needed to make herself happy.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 9th:

Today's thoughts are about technology.

When I was young, if you missed an episode of a TV show, you were out of luck until off season re-runs or syndication. Then, VCRs happened, so you had the opportunity to tape a show if you weren't going to be able to watch it when it was broadcast.

Now, we have DVRs; On Demand; and a variety of streaming services. You don't have to miss a thing (almost, I mean, it might not be available on those services).

Anyway, why do I have made love for this technology? When you lose your memory, you can feel like you are out of touch about so many things. One of those things can be your understanding of pop culture.

Thanks to things like streaming services, I've been able to re-watch things from the period I lost. Shawn and I had watched Stranger Things during the year that I ended up losing. When season 2 was going to be coming out, I had no recollection of season 1. I was able to watch season 1 again. It was kind of odd because Shawn would tell me that I had said the same thing or had the same reaction the first time we watched. Apparently my thought processes stayed the same even if the memory of the first time was erased.

We all know technology can be used for ill. But, for me, this is a case of technology being used for good.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 10th:

November is National Adoption Month. I'm not talking about animals this time (but this is National Adoption Weekend for them).

When I started at the rescue, one of my friends was fostering two little boys, brothers in fact. She and her husband walked them through a life in foster care with patience, emotional roller coaster rides, and love. They saw them through to adoption by a family, a family they know. Because friends adopted the boys, Brigitte and her husband are able to continue to watch the boys grow and to walk their lives' journey with them.

Foster parenting and adopting are certainly the most giving and loving paths one may choose to take. It takes a certain kind of love from a special kind of person.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 11th:

Some people, when it comes to fashion, collect purses or jewelry or shoes (fancy, designer shoes). Those are not my things.

I’m a collector of T-shirts and socks and crazy hats. I like to portray fun...when I’m feeling it. There’s something about a Groot hat with a Groot T-shirt and Groot socks that makes a day a bit happier.

Yes, I’ll be 44 in a few months. But, doesn’t a silly hat wearing 44 year old make a better world than a bad combover wearing 45th President?

Pictured, left to right: Silly fleece, Chewbacca, Light-up gingerbread-man (top), Hulk hair and eyebrows (bottom), Grover (top), Bad Hair Day (bottom), and Groot.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 12th:

Today’s post is simple and short.

I woke up to live another day.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 13th:

Today I was standing in line. The guy behind me tells me he’s going to move my hood. I’m weirded out, but thought that it may have been in an awkward position. So I said it was okay.

He read what was on the back of my hoodie. He told me he wanted to see what kind of rescue it was and my hood was blocking the writing.

He asked if it was for animals. Were we saving pets. I told him we were. He said that that’s good work I’m doing.

Sometimes a little awkward recognition can go a long way to make for a better day. #adoptdontshop

#TwoMinutesLove

November 14th:

Colorado was 2nd in the country for voter turnout last week (Next time, we need to try for 1st). Something moved people. People must have recognized the importance of the midterms. This, in my ever so un-humble opinion, seems to show a realization that one’s vote matters. Even though I’m almost as blue as you can get, the franchise belongs to red, blue, purple or any other political color. It is important to use it, important to our democracy (which is a republic, but whatever). So whichever color you voted (I do hope it was blue), I’m glad you did.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 15th:

Today was about catching up with a friend. Checking in with one another is important. "Breaking bread" with one another makes it all the better.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 16th:

Today is about gratitude for fosters of animals. We use fosters for dogs. We also have some for kittens who are very young, bottle feeding young.

We have a really great list of people who are willing to take our dogs. They see a list and pictures of what dogs are coming in and they offer to take them in. No interaction, just their best guess at which dog will work in their environment.

Then, life together happens. The fosters figure out behaviors and personalities that help us find great matches for forever homes. Sometimes the dog and the foster aren't a good match. That isn't ding on the foster's reputation. It just means that the dog's environmental needs aren't in sync with the home environment of the foster. That happens in human relationships, so why not in human relationships with a canine (or other animal).

This probably wasn't worded very well and didn't get my point across. But, animal rescue could not succeed without fosters.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 17th:

Ten years ago I was loading printers; putting in new toner; shredding documents; doing data entry; and making sure people got yard signs all for Obama’s first campaign. Oh, and explaining to people Obama isn’t Muslim.

Also, at the office I met a fascinating person. Someone with a resume as packed as could be with political work, military experience, and so much more. It was amazing to be around him. On election night, he stood on a desk and spoke to a packed office about the significance of the election in political history. He spoke to what it was we accomplished.

A few weeks ago he headed to Cox's Bazar in Bangladesh. To work with the UN once again. He was joining the UN World Food Programme (WFP). He will be spending six months or so heading up the engineering effort as part of the joint Site Maintenance Engineering Project (SMEP).

This project is focused on building better shelter, roads, sanitation, and more. The work is to get 1 million refugees a life of dignity.

Tim and I had very limited real life time together. Facebook is how I keep “tabs” on the many admirable things he does. He, very generously, contributed to a fundraiser my niece was doing to help with an orphanage in Honduras. He did it without even knowing her. I took it as a way to encourage a younger generation to have a broader world view such as his.

Tim, I have the utmost respect and gratitude for all you have done and continue to do.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 18th:

When these two are together, it brings me joy. When Jarvis uses Shawn as a pillow or when they play chase, or tug-o-war, or just when Shawn gives belly rubs, it makes me smile. ❤️ #jarvisismycopilot

#TwoMinutesLove

November 19th:

The brain is a very complex thing.

In 2016, for those who may not know which has to be few since I talk about it a lot, I underwent ElectroConvulsive Therapy (ECT). It jacked up my memory of the whole year. The bulk of the memories I do have are of the people who worked at the facility where I had the treatments.

I never had a bad experience, that I recall. Some nurses were chattier than others. One loved to talk about dogs. Another couple thought I had pretty fascinating tattoos. Many thought I had great socks and t-shirts. My last treatment was Dec. 23rd so the socks and t-shirt were a really big hit.

Anyway, we had a good rapport. Things ended on a high note. I was on the gurney, waiting to head in for my treatment. As I waited, the head nurse was over at the printer and held up a blank sheet of paper. She asked did someone mean to print a blank sheet. I piped up and said something about it being my Christmas Letter and that it was blank since I don't remember anything from the year. People laughed and that's how my ECT experience ended...with laughter.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 20th:

Just after 9/11, Blanchie and I started to give blood at The Red Cross. The last time, Blanchie couldn’t give because her iron was too low when they tested it. So, she sat on the side with the juices and snacks while I finished up.

I got done and joined her. Then I was on the floor with my feet up on a chair, the feel of blood on my face, and no glasses. Next I’m in an ambulance headed to the hospital. I pass out again, get my face stitched up, and off for a CTScan to see what’s up with the passing out because it had to be more than the blood loss. Well, it was mono. It seems donating blood and mono don’t mix.

Some time later The Red Cross wrote me a “Thanks, but no thanks” letter. I wasn’t surprised. But, the letter went on to tell me I couldn’t give ever again because I had some fucked up (my words, not theirs) liver enzymes. I had a sense of relief because I was feeling scared about giving again after the mono debacle.

Years later, The Red Cross wrote me again. They said I could give. There were advancements in testing that meant my liver enzyme issue was okay. But, it didn’t make any advancement in calming my fears. I felt guilty, but my fear was felt more.

Fast forward many years to this summer. There was a shooting of a mom and her three sons not far from where we live. The mom and one son were both severely injured. One son managed to be okay. The third son died. There was a need for blood and a drive was set up. I decided that the world is a fucked up place and kids are dying from senseless violence so it was time to give again.

And I did...with Shawn by my side. I survived - no passing out, no feeling wheezy.

Tonight we did it again. I got an email from Children’s Hospital that they need 20 whole blood donors by the end of the day tomorrow. They were at 3. Tomorrow we couldn’t get down there. I called to see if we could get in today. We could, but we had to pretty much leave right away because of the distance.

We did it. When we got there, 7 more people had donated since the email.

YAY SCIENCE! Because of it you get to do good things, you get to save lives.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 21st:

Jarvis and I were out for a walk. We came upon a couple of hockey sticks leaning upon a fence. They had the tightly, twisted tape spiraling the stick's end and then the tape wrapping over that. And, BAM!, a flood of memories came rushing to mind.

There's the pot of boiling water for molding the rubber mouth guard. Also, heating the stick blade just enough to increase the curve without drawing the attention of the referee. And, the other kitchen memory was the game night dinner of pasta, I distinctly remember cavatelli.

There were the changes from entirely metal blades, to black plastic, white plastic, and clear plastic coverings. Metal cage face masks moved aside for the super trendy Itech. Our local rink went from a chain link fence around it to plexiglass for a more modern feel.

My 3 brothers played. My sister did for a little bit, but I don't really remember that. There were lots of games and I spent lots of time in the rinks. A rink rat, you may say. I kept track of shots on goal for one team. Sometime worked the light behind the goal to indicate a goal was scored. I even worked in the scorer's box filling out the paperwork.

I haven't thought about this stuff in years. Possibly wouldn't have for years to come if it wasn't for seeing those sticks. They aren't important memories, but they make up part of my youth.

No matter how small or mundane a memory may seem, don't take it for granted. Take it from me, you never know when you will lose even the tiniest trip down memory lane. Random things that come to mind may make you smile for just a little while and who can't use some more random smiles?

#TwoMinutesLove

November 22nd:

Thanksgiving always gets me thinking about food. About food memories. I always think about my mom’s stuffing and gravy. Then I move on to thinking about her Yorkshire pudding and her stuffed flank steak and her peach pie. I’m grateful for her recipes so I can get that taste of home.

Today I got to thinking about how everyone probably has a favorite food from their family. Not everyone is a cook, but maybe it would be good if everyone became one for just one thing. Learn that recipe from your mom or dad or grandparents that speaks to you of happiness - become a master chef of that thing. You’ll have the memory in your hands, your hands working on making that favorite thing, and spreading happiness.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 23rd:

Well, this may be kind of an odd one.

I was watching TV and there was a woman with a crazy top on that was all about boobage. There must have been some tape involved to keep those things under control.

Just a little over 16 years ago I decided it was time to give getting a breast reduction another try. I had insurance that was actually going to cover it. I just needed to do it.

It was an extremely emotional experience. The idea of feeling free from the burden my breasts had been was overwhelming. I found a surgeon who walked me through the experience. He was a gentle man. The compassion he showed me helped more than he can ever know. He went to bat for me when my company's short term disability insurance wasn't going to get me the time off that he deemed appropriate. He was amazing. His surgical skills were top notch. His bedside manner was on par with them.

Obviously surgical skills, diagnostic skills, etc. are so important in the medical profession. However, compassion and gentleness play a part in treatment and healing. If you are able to find a medical team that encompasses all of those things, you are better for it.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 24th:

Once again, I found myself struggling with what to write. I started to think about work friends. Work friends are different than friends or family, but just as important to the passage of time we call life.

I was out walking Jarvis and, as often happens, I started to think. I've been missing my work friends. Missing our weird lunches. There have been McDonald's Diet Cokes and my regular Coke because give me all the calories. Sometimes fries would be added. There's been La Croix, but I won't touch that. Then there are "Meg Sized" pieces of cake. Throw in some avocado. Maybe some Gouda spread/dip from Costco is in the fridge. How about some Nearly Naked Popcorn? Or, on days which are all the things, we order ALL the appetizers from Old Chicago because Tuesdays are a thing, a horrible thing.

Enjoy your work friends and the quirky things you may share with them that aren't like the things you share with anyone else.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 25th:

Today is going to have to be simple.

Find something positive from the day.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 26th:

Animal videos. How awesome are animal videos? There are funny ones, heartwarming ones, unfortunately there are heartbreaking ones (for the sake of this post, we'll ignore those).

Videos with dogs or elephants or maybe even both get me all the time. Sometimes even cats might bring some smiles. Sharing animal videos is one of the high points of the internet. If you're feeling off and meh, an animal video might be just what you need.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 27th:

Today's positive thing is the end result of the events at Walter Reed. With the conflicting reports that led to confusion, the positive thing, in the end, is that there was not really an active shooter.

Now, get your shit together folks.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 28th:

You know what doesn't happen enough lately? Well, at least to me it isn't happening enough.

Laughter. Almost-pee-your-pants-and-hyperventilate laughter. It's so powerful. It helps so much when the shit is hitting the high speed proverbial fan. When there's a ringworm outbreak at work, you have to have a sense of humor. When there's another mass shooting or just the daily news involving the motherfucker "running" this country, you need to run toward humor and embrace it.

So, here you go, some humor. It isn't gut splitting, but it's funny.

Baby is unsure on his feet and steps on trunk from r/babyelephantgifs

#TwoMinutesLove

November 29th:

Every one should have a Blanchie. Even better than having a Blanchie is having a Blanchie who texts. And, I was glad to have my Blanchie today since I was feeling all kinds of yuck. Texting with Blanchie is like that proverbial box of chocolates in which you never know what you are going to get.

#TwoMinutesLove

November 30th:

I was trying to figure out what note on which to end the #TwoMinutesLove post that made up November. Then, my memories' feed had a post from 3 years ago that seemed pretty good. This isn't the entire post, but the part that I found worth repeating.

"I try to make people happy. I don't mean this in the 'people-pleaser' way. I'm talking about bring a smile to someone's face, let someone know I'm thinking of them. Sometimes, it's a post, an e-mail, others it might be just a little something to say, 'Hey, I saw this and thought of you.' So, I try to do what I can to counteract the yucky parts of my day, the horrors of the world in which we live."

I still try. Maybe I'm not as good at it as I used to be or should be, but I hope I haven't become so consumed with myself that I don't express even a bit of thought towards another. Perhaps when I have more money I will be able to give a physical representation of my thoughts for others. In the meantime, just know that I wish you happiness.

Until next November...

#TwoMinutesLove

I'm kind of an asshole.

Um....no, I am an asshole. I know some out there think I'm much worse than an asshole. But, for the sake of this post, let's just leave my stats as asshole.

I have worked in the food service industry and the retail industry. Both are industries I think should be mandatory for everyone to work in for at least some time in their lives. I think this because I feel it will make people better customers. The shit you have to put up with in these lines of work should teach you how not treat others when you are on the other side of things. I still believe this to be true...for the most part...except when I fail at it.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I work in the office. There is an Einstein Bros. Bagels on my drive. So, I tend to grab a bagel on my way. I have a rewards' account with them. When I buy a bagel, the bar code is scanned to do a check-in and is always a card for payment. Not that long ago, there was a problem with my account and I wasn't getting my points. I was really frustrated about this. So, the next time I went in, I started complaining to the cashier. I was getting more worked up than I should have.

Later, I thought about how ridiculous I had been. I pulled out my past job experience and thought about how the cashier had absolutely nothing to do with my rewards' app. It was so far above his pay grade that no amount of complaining on my part was going to get me anywhere. Even if I would have asked for the manager, it would have been dumb of me because this wasn't an issue management could handle. So, I felt horribly guilty about the way I acted toward the kid.

The next time I was in and the kid was working, I apologized. He didn't remember what had happened, but I told him it wasn't fair of me to behave that way. He thanked me for apologizing even though he didn't recall the situation.

Forward on to last week.

Next to the Einstein Bros. is a Starbucks. I stop in it, too, on my way to the office. Last week, while I was in there, a man and a woman were having a loud argument. It was some road rage/parking lot based fight. The woman was behaving much more ridiculous than the man. She was so loud and purposely drawing the attention of everyone. I had placed my order and was trying to get out of the way of the register. This location has an unusual setup. She was blocking my way. It took me a few attempts at "Excuse me" before she finally got out of the way. The man had gone outside, but she was still carrying on. I was waiting for my drink and my blood pressure was rising. She had gone way overboard. Finally, I just burst. I told her she was being ridiculous and should stop or leave. She then starts in on me about how it was none of my business. I told her she made it my business when blocking my way and with the way she was carrying on with the intention of getting everyone to hear here. I can't remember what else was said, but a barista told her to take it outside. I got my drink and exited. The man was on the phone with the police. They talked to me, but let me go because there wasn't really anything they needed from me. I left.

Later, I was ashamed at how worked up I allowed myself to get. Again, it was something ridiculous on my part. I didn't need to interject myself, even if the lady had been blocking my way and yelling to everyone.

A couple days later, when I was back in that Starbucks on my way to work, I apologized to the baristas who had been there that day. I told them there was no call for me getting worked up and raising my voice like that. They said there was no need and that the woman was being inappropriate. But, I still felt it was the right thing to do. No one needs their place of work made uncomfortable. Granted, I wasn't at the level of the lady, but I certainly didn't help matters.

Sometimes, you just really have to take stock of your behavior and recognize that just because someone's job is to "serve" you, your place is not to treat them or their work environment with anger and hostility.

It's a new week with new stops in at Einstein Bros. and Starbucks. Let them be free from me being an asshole.

5 people, 1 room

It was almost 27 years ago. It was May. I remember it being May because my cousin's twin daughters were making their First Communion, which typically happens in May, and I was missing the party. I remember it being around Mother's Day. Can I give you an exact date? No. It's all just ballpark.

There was a school's boys lacrosse trip. The coach, the school chaplain, with whom I was quite close, were there. And, obviously the team. There was the only other girl and me, who were the bookkeepers. There was a bus ride. There was a hotel stay. There was drinking in one of the rooms. There were the shakes and nausea I feel from guilt, not from drinking. There was exhaustion from not sleeping. There was a bus ride home. There was a return to school. There was the chaplain coming up to me and asking me if I knew anything about things going on that may have included drinking. There was me telling him there was because I couldn't look him in the eye. There was him being surprised that I was actually involved. There was punishment from the, mine doubled by the anger of the other kids. There was religion class with a game called Scruples being played. There was a kid asking me a made up question in the game of moral dilemmas about whether or not I would drink on a school trip. There were the really pissed girlfriends/dates of some of the guys involved because the guys couldn't go to prom. There was me telling my mom before the school could and dealing with that punishment --- the punishment of the silent treatment, which was far worse than the taking away of my license.

So what?

There's a story in that general list of things that happened. Actually, there are 5 stories. One-fifth of those stories is mine.

I'm going to go with the proverbial renaming of the other girl in this story as Jane. We'll go with Joe, Jack, and John for the guys. And me, I'll stay as I am. So, there's the 5, Jane, Joe, Jack, John, and me.

Jane and I shared a room at the hotel. We were the only females, so that was given. Joe, Jack, and John were sharing a room. People gathered in their room. They were a pretty big deal. Real jocks.

Out came the booze. There were the makings for a generic Screwdriver, a gallon of orange drink mixed with vodka. To continue to keep it a teenage drinking party was some MD 20/20 Banana Red. It may not be good, but it will get you drunk. I don't remember when the other guys left and if they were there for the drinking, but at some point the only people left were the 5 of us.

Joe passed out, which gave me a sense of relief. He was a really built and strong guy. Jack went and pissed in the sink, which is out in the open as is common in middle of the road kinds of hotels and motels. I didn't see his penis, but I was really starting to stress out. I really wanted to go back to our room, but I didn't want to leave Jane, who I knew wasn't going to come with me easily. So, I just laid down on the bed with the passed out Joe. The other bed had Jane, Jack, and John. They were under the bedspread. There was a lot of giggling on Jane's part and some laughing on Jack's and John's.

At some point, Jane and I returned to our room. I did not sleep. I was filled with guilt about being in that room and drinking. I just laid there shaking and nauseous. When it was time to go, I was a hot mess of exhaustion. The others didn't look bad at all. They were experienced with partying and late nights. Then you go back up to the above list with the bus ride home, etc.

Through the years, I have found myself wondering what went on with Jane, Jack, and John. Did my staying in the room protect her from something terrible happening? Did something terrible happen under the covers? Was she drunk to the point of not knowing what she was doing? 

As I hear about Kavanaugh and his cronies, I immediately think of Joe, Jack, and John. Then I think about Jane and other girls from high school and what may have happened to them.

It's not going away

In the early 1990s, I was a pretty conservative kid in some ways. In September of 1991, I was a junior in high school and 16-years-old. The SCOTUS confirmation hearings for Clarence Thomas were taking place and I gave no shits, as far as I recall. Then, in October of 1991, Anita Hill started to testify about being sexually harassed by him. That's when I started to pay attention in my young, naive, conservative way.

I called bullshit. How in the world was this woman coming forward after all that had been done? His confirmation was practically a done deal. This seemed so ridiculous to me. I thought that if things were that bad, she would have done something about it.

I was everything that disgusts me today.

I really should have known better. When I was a kid, I had experienced some sexual curiosity, I guess you could call it. This is nothing like assault. I wasn't a victim of something. It gave me horrible guilt and anxiety, in part because of who I was with. I'm leaving that out because they have the right to privacy, and, like I said, it wasn't an assault or anything like that. However, I carried it in the pit of my stomach for close to 20 years. I was afraid of getting in trouble and having people looking at me with disgust.

I did tell someone, finally. The very first psychiatrist/therapist I saw. I was 28-years-old revealing something from when I was about 12. He told me it was entirely normal behavior. He told me kids do that, they are curious, and they do it with whomever they are hanging around at the time. I had a sense of relief and told a couple other people, including my mom. Everyone's reaction was pretty much "that's it?" kind of vibe. I still have moments of feeling terrible, though, and try to work my way through by remembering the reactions of others.

What does this have to do with Anita Hill or #MeToo or Kavanaugh? I was not a victim. I was not abused. I was not assaulted. I was not harassed. Without all of those things being a part of my story, I was still afraid of revealing it to anyone for well over a decade. So, if I wasn't victimized and had no fear of the person I was with coming after me in some way, how can I possibly have the mindset of my 16-year-old-Anita-Hill-is-full-of-shit self? How can I expect women to report the crimes against them right away? How can I not #BelieveAllWomen #BelieveWoman #BelieveSurvivors?