Unhappy Anniversery

Today marks a year since my hysterectomy. I feel like these posts "Thoughts-ectomy" and "Things still aren't what they're supposed" aren't really far from how I still feel today.

I had the distraction of work and a long nap to keep me from having to think about this day too much.

Hey, but I'm a year without a period, so there's that.

Some pocket change

So many thoughts and opinions. Let's get this post-y started!

GAY MARRIAGE

SCOTUS got this one right, for sure...well, enough of SCOTUS got it right to make it so all 50 states have to allow gay marriage. I'm glad my friends cannot only get married, but now that marriage has to be recognized no matter where they go in the U.S.

So far, my marriage hasn't been destroyed because of this. So far, none of my liberal counterparts, well, whom I'm aware of, have started on a campaign for the right to marry animals. It may be too soon to tell, though.

I don't understand when people make the leap from gay marriage to bestiality. Is gay marriage really the gateway to that? For me, I would think a push for legalizing polygamy would come before human-animal marriage. If bestiality is the first thing coming to your mind, you may want to get that checked out.

COURAGE

I will openly state that the "T" portion of the LGBT community has always been a struggle for me to understand. My real life experiences with transgenders have not always been my proudest moments. With the birth of Caitlyn Jenner, I've really found myself trying to get a better view. I still have the then Bruce Jenner interview with Diane Sawyer saved on the DVR because I feel like it is something I can go back to and learn more, gain more understanding. I'm not sure what makes me feel so uncomfortable with this subject, but I know I want to work on that.

In 1993, ESPN started an awards program, Excellence in Sports Performance Yearly Award (ESPY). This year, Caitlyn Jenner was selected to receive the Arthur Ashe Courage Award. I have had a vague awareness of this awards program. Basically, I knew it had to do with sports and ESPN. I couldn't tell you the categories, the names of winners, the time of year it airs. I honestly think most people didn't have much of a clue about them, either. It seems like ESPN viewers who are hardcore fans of sports were probably those who knew the details. That is, until this year.

The 2015 ceremony was moved to broadcast television. Between the move to ABC and Caitlyn Jenner being selected for a courage based award, all kinds of people became aware of the ESPYs and started to care who was getting what award. I even wonder how many people even have a clue who Arthur Ashe was (which is a shame because he did some big deal things).

So, getting back to the topic of courage. One of the things social media and the internet in general is good for is being a means to spew hate. Courage is one of those subjects for which everyone has an opinion and definition. I think everyone can think of someone to deem courageous. We can always argue that one person as better than another, but honestly, that is a pissing match that is hard for anyone to win. There can be more than one type of situation requiring courage and even more people to embody it. This award is given each year to one person, one person out of all those who are also deserving. You try picking just one person WITHOUT someone somewhere arguing that someone else deserved it more.

Thankfully, the world wide web does other things well. It helps me see that some people are using it to show the kind side of humanity. Things like this image that I've been seeing shared all over social media:

And, there's also this perspective which states things better than I just tried to do.

UGH! This is longer and more poorly written than I had planned, but I'm posting anyway. Apologies for the randomness and disjointed nature of this post. I'll try for better work next time.

Sometimes my head has too much in it

It's been a long stretch without a blog post. I've been having a lot of anxiety issues and it has been overwhelming. So, this stretch of silence isn't for lack of things to say. I'm trying to get things on track and hope to have some posts soon.

Why we can't have nice things

If anyone, anyone at all asks why we can't have nice things, the answer is assholes. Assholes who have no regard for people's personal nice things and for public nice things.

I will admit to having had my asshole moments. Back when I was a smoker, I would flick my butts out the window of my car or stamp them out on the ground. I didn't really think much of it. The idea of those things as littering never occurred to me. The more I walk Jarvis around the neighborhood and through parks the more I notice litter, including cigarette butts. I don't get it. Assholes, however, don't seem to notice or care how it takes away from the niceness of the neighborhood or park. They are just selfish, lazy assholes.

The asshole factor revealed itself in a different way when my husband shared an article with me. "Fans" of "Breaking Bad" have been throwing pizzas on the roof of the house filmed in an episode. The people, an older couple, who actually live in the house have had to deal with these assholes thinking that their home is fair game for idiotic assholery. If you go to the link for the actual article, you can read the show's creator Vince Gilligan's response to this specific type of asshole.

The United States exported some assholes in the form of tourists to Italy. One California asshole chick is like, "Woo-hoo! Let's take a selfie at the Colosseum." The other CA asshole expands on that with, "Wait, wait. You know what would take this selfie to the next level? Carving our initials in one of the walls and then posting it online!!!" Who the fuck are these people? Who thinks this is okay? Seriously, taking a selfie wasn't enough for them? They get busted and say, “We did not imagine it was something so serious.” Really? REALLY? REALLY?

Last month a story was making its way around the news and the web. The story involved assholes who are raising potential assholes. Among all the historical memorials in Washington, D.C. is the Vietnam Women's Memorial. Photos were popping up showing a couple of small girls climbing all over it. This sparked a debate as to whether this was disrespectful or not. I think the small girls were innocent of disrespect. They probably have climbed around on statutes at libraries and playgrounds that are kid friendly. The real assholes in this situation are the parents. Asshole parents are a special kind of asshole. Assholery doesn't have to be passed on to the children. I don't think, at least I really hope, that there isn't an asshole gene. I want to believe that this event hitting the internet and the news will snap the parents out of their asshole ways and teach the girls not to become assholes themselves.

Don't be an asshole and fight the asshole powers that be!

The lessons my father showed me

One of my favorite pictures of my dad,

Today is my dad's 78th birthday. I got to thinking about all I've learned from him. He's not so much a talker who sat all of us down and said these are things that are important in life. I learned life lessons through his actions and there are many.

Family - The ties that bind

His immediate family was not very big. He had his parents and his younger brother. But, he grew-up in a neighborhood surrounded by his aunts, uncles, cousins, and the list goes on. His family even shared a duplex with my great-grandparents.

He has a vast knowledge of his family's history. Not only his side, though. He probably knows more about my mom's side than she does.

It's important to know where you come from and who shared in that journey. His famous Christmas letter is just one example of his appreciation of all the family has done and where it has been. It's also important to stick together. If he had his way, everyone would still be living in the same neighborhood.

Education & Culture - Find a way to learn

I don't know how he and my mom did it, but they made sure we had many ways to be educated and to experience culture. Having 5 kids was not easy in general, but providing those kids with so many opportunities must have required an extra layer of strength.

When I was young, I had no concept of money and how it played into our lives. Looking back on my childhood, I can't believe how fortunate we were despite not being the most financially fortunate.

My dad has never taken living in Cleveland for granted. People may mock it, but it is truly a cultural mecca. No, really, it's not just my northeastern Ohio pride showing bias.

From a very young age, we knew about Wade Oval and University Circle. He got us family memberships at museums and then registered us for Saturday morning courses. I would probably not have gotten the chance to walk over a shark tank; search for mudpuppies in a river and then check for leeches when getting out; learn about the behind-the-scenes workings of museums; and much, much more without those classes.

He and my mom also wanted us to have the best education they thought possible. For them, that was in a Catholic school. That came at a price and tuition for 5 kids was a big price tag. Seriously, I don't know how they managed that, but they did.

Just upon entering my parents' house, the importance of books, fiction and non-fiction alike, is obvious. And, the value of books goes hand in hand with the importance of libraries. He supported the local library with countless hours of work with the Friends of the Library. Also, later in his life he worked for the county library system by helping area libraries at the reference desk on weekends.

My dad knows that television also has its contributions to culture and education. He supported public television with volunteer hours and membership. When the moon landing took place, he held my oldest brother up to the television as the event was covered. My brother was just a baby, but my dad was already teaching him about significant events. I can remember him making sure we gathered around the TV when Lady Diana Spencer and Prince Charles of Wales wed. Granted, that didn't end with a happily ever after, but we couldn't know that at the time of the major world event.

Generosity & Kindness - Do for others what you can, and sometimes, maybe a little more

This may be the biggest of all and one he showed me the most. He is a giver, if not financially, then through time and sharing.

In my childhood, my dad managed the food and other household goods collection and distribution at the Catholic church we belonged to. After mass, the donations left in designated areas of the church would be gathered and taken to a pantry in the basement of the rectory. He would then organize the products in their different areas. He would also make his own donations. The king of coupons, special offers, and weekly discounts for grocery shopping would always buy things for the food pantry while getting our family's groceries. Then, it would be time to "shop" the pantry. He would gather a variety of items to be taken to the families in his address box filled with names and addresses of the people the parish staff knew were in need. The assistance also went beyond the offerings behind the pantry door and would be for payment of utilities where the need was greater. Sometimes, I would help and go on deliveries and sometimes they were people I knew. I don't remember if he ever told me outright, but I knew we were doing something private, something I shouldn't share with others out of respect for those on the receiving end. At the holidays, the need was greater and turkeys, hams, and gifts were added to the deliveries. And, the same respect for the dignity of the recipients was there for me to see.

This already seems to have gone long and yet I feel I haven't even begun to do him justice. I do know that if the world were filled with more people who were even half the person my dad is, it would be a much better place.      

This is 40?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's been awhile. I've been all over the place in my head. The anxiety character has been center stage in a real leading role. Starting 2015 hit a bit hard and cast off my streak of positive spins on life.

Sometimes, it seems that a sense of humor used for coping can mean people don't really understand you when you are serious. My anxiety can manifest itself in some ridiculous ways. I can recognize the silliness of some of it from an outsider's point-of-view, but it doesn't mean I can stop it easily.

So, why the picture of socks? Well, I have always had a love for patterned socks. This love meant wearing non-patterned clothes, often including shirts with a simple graphic image or character. If I chose to wear the socks in the picture, the goldfish could be worn with a shirt that is plain white; plain orange; or, one of the plain blues. For the Stormtrooper socks, I would be okay with a solid black; solid white; solid red; or, maybe even a shirt (black, white, red, or perhaps gray) with an image from "Star Wars".

I decided to go out of my comfort zone and wear some patterned socks with shirts I never would have considered. This wasn't as daring as it could have been because I was wearing long pants. It wasn't like anyone was really going to see the socks. I did this a couple of times. But, I still had other restrictions I would place on wearing the socks. One day, I was going to wear the Stormtrooper socks and thought about wearing a black t-shirt with a white image of Spider-Man on it. I could not do it. There was no way I was going to be okay with mixing a Marvel character mixing with a "Star Wars" image. At this point, there is no way for my stress level to accommodate wearing mismatched socks. I get anxious when I see mismatched socks on someone, or intentionally sold that way.

I bet you, dear reader, are wondering what any of this has to do with the title of this post. Well, I think my anxiety being on the rise is partially related to a new year starting and my 40th birthday coming up next month. The socks wearing decisions give me a sense of control in what feels like a dreaded time.

Many have mentioned the awesomeness that 40 brings or how it is merely a number. The thing is, for some of those people, they had kids and/or a career. They had a sense of purpose, a meaning to life.

I'm having an epic stare down with my 40th birthday. No matter what the year, my birthday marks the approximate anniversary of a failed embryo implant. But, adding 40 into the mix adds some salt. I thought we would have kids at this point. Also, I thought I'd be able to tolerate any job as long as I had those kids. Now, I don't have the kids, I don't have the uterus, and I don't have any idea what to do with myself. What I do have is anxiety and depression because I should have my life together and I don't know how to get beyond my head to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

In the meantime...

It's been awhile and I'm still trying to figure out what I want to write about for a new post.  In the meantime, enjoy this picture of me looking like a little kid at the grown-ups' table.